Thome, Smoke, Mirrors Lead Vinnies Pizzeria to First Place

Mark July 16 as the day Josh Aiello sewed up year-end General Manager of the Year honors. While there's plenty of fake baseball yet to be played, the fact that a squad which regularly features both David DeJesus and Eric Byrnes stands alone in first place at this point in the season is truly a miraculous development. Not to mention that the team's 3 most potent bats, Jim Thome, Travis Hafner, and Alex Rios, barely played at all over the past month (Rios due to injury, Thome and Hafner thanks to dreaded interleague play). The success of this year's team may mark the crowning achievement of a GM long thought to be a fake baseball savant.

"Aiello had a terrible draft, traded away his two best hitters, routinely gives up on players way too early, and yet here we are," laments Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, "I feel like a boy playing against men."

"It's almost like he's toying with us," adds Patrick O'Grady, GM of hapless Metallic Pea, "You look down his lineup and couldn't be less impressed. It's like a beer league softball team. But the numbers don't lie. I have no idea how he's doing it."

Adding further evidence of O'Grady's assertions, one currently hot rumor has Aiello inquiring into the services of Kansas City Royals closer Mike MacDougal, a move that, were it to come too fruition, would prove too much for some of Aiello's peers. "Oh, the hubris of such a movie would be unprecedented," notes Chris Naughton of the Pathetic, er, Premature Grays, "if Aiello can succesfully put MacDougal to good use, we will certainly be in the company of some great fake baseball deity. It's too much."

Lest anyone doubt the outrageousness of Vinnies Pizzeria's place atop the standings, behold the team's fake lineup as currently constructed:

C: Paul LoDuca
1B: Jim Thome
2B: Chase Utley
SS: Jose Reyes
3B: Joe Crede
IF: Ronnie Belliard
OF: Chone Figgins
OF: Eric Byrnes
OF: Marcus Thames
OF: David DeJesus
UT: Travis Hafner

SP: Carlos Zambrano
SP: Barry Zito
SP: Justin Verlander
SP: Dave Bush
SP: Andy Pettitte
SP: John Lester
SP: Chris Young
RP: Jonathan Papelbon
RP: Chad Cordero
RP: Akinori Otsuka
RP: Joel Zumaya
RP: Matt Thornton

Thank God The All-Star Break Is Over

I actually caught myself reading a book last night. Sheesh.

Vinnies Pizzeria Introduces Eighth Second Baseman Of Season

Ronnie Belliard will make his fake debut tonight following last weekend's unceremonious dismissal of both David Eckstein and Aaron Hill, themselves merely the latest castoffs in what has become a biweekly event: the changing of the Vinnies Pizzeria infielders. Known mostly for his terrible, terrible hair and somewhat passable batting average, Belliard brings a veteren's perspective to the young VP infield. Experts predict he will spend approximately 3 weeks with the club before being sent back to the scrap heap, forgotten until next season's panic mode sets in.

With the team's batting average in full decline, Belliard's relatively high RBI numbers are merely the icing on his sideways slanted cap. "I'd like to see someone come in here who doesn't suck immediately upon putting on the Vinnies Pizzeria uniform," commented manager Skip Aiello when informed of the latest acquisition. Due to the position's high turnaround rate, it is not believed that Belliard's name or number will be displayed on either his locker or batting helmets, which will instead feature the simple designation "Infielder." Likewise, Belliard will be forced to share a jersey with Barry, VP's longtime special needs batboy. "Hey, it's all part of the game," says Belliard. "I'm just happy not to be playing in Philadelphia."