Pettitte Ready After Two Month Benching
Vinnies Pizzeria lefthander Andy Pettitte appears ready to rejoin the fake rotation after two months spent riding the pine. Though still sporting a laughable 5.46 ERA, Pettitte's last couple of starts have shown a marked improvement, at least for a pitcher who has appeared to be suffering from an advanced case of Parkinsons for much of the season. The first pitcher selected by Vinnies Pizzeria in this year's supplemental fake draft, Pettitte was considered the ace of a mostly untested rotation. Explains assitant GM Mike Tully, "We knew our starting pitching was a weakness, and were counting on Andy to set an example for the other players. He was the key component of our offense-heavy draft strategy."
Instead, Pettitte proceeded to pitch like an armless man for much of April and May, landing squarely on the bench after his third consecutive dismal outing. "We thought Andy could do more to help our team by sitting in the dugoug, handing out towels to sweaty players, and running to the store for sunflower seeds when necessary," says manager Skip Aiello. "Andy's a real team player, always ready with a cup of water or tirelessly scrubbing our dirty uniforms," adds Jim Thome, who particularly enjoyed Pettitte's "deep, penetrating back rubs."
All good things must come to an end, however. When Pettitte rejoins the rotation next week, he will find himself, at best, the team's number 5 starter, part of a revamped staff that includes Carlos Zambrano, Barry Zito, Justin Verlander, and Chris Young. The hope is that dimished expectations will result in better performance. Barring that, there are always towels that need folding in the team shower.
Many fake experts believe this is Pettitte's last chance to catch on with a big league club. He is out of minor league options, and GM of the Year candidate Josh Aiello doubts whether small market teams like Metallic Pea or HJ Heinz could be hoodwinked into taking on damaged goods. "If Andy falters, it's safe to assume that we'll need to explore some creative alternatives. He could always find work with a fake team in Japan, and I hear the FOX Network is casting their next Man vs. Beast special. That might be perfect for him, assuming the Beast is actually a three-legged dog or blind deer or something."
Instead, Pettitte proceeded to pitch like an armless man for much of April and May, landing squarely on the bench after his third consecutive dismal outing. "We thought Andy could do more to help our team by sitting in the dugoug, handing out towels to sweaty players, and running to the store for sunflower seeds when necessary," says manager Skip Aiello. "Andy's a real team player, always ready with a cup of water or tirelessly scrubbing our dirty uniforms," adds Jim Thome, who particularly enjoyed Pettitte's "deep, penetrating back rubs."
All good things must come to an end, however. When Pettitte rejoins the rotation next week, he will find himself, at best, the team's number 5 starter, part of a revamped staff that includes Carlos Zambrano, Barry Zito, Justin Verlander, and Chris Young. The hope is that dimished expectations will result in better performance. Barring that, there are always towels that need folding in the team shower.
Many fake experts believe this is Pettitte's last chance to catch on with a big league club. He is out of minor league options, and GM of the Year candidate Josh Aiello doubts whether small market teams like Metallic Pea or HJ Heinz could be hoodwinked into taking on damaged goods. "If Andy falters, it's safe to assume that we'll need to explore some creative alternatives. He could always find work with a fake team in Japan, and I hear the FOX Network is casting their next Man vs. Beast special. That might be perfect for him, assuming the Beast is actually a three-legged dog or blind deer or something."
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