Byrnes Checked for Vital Signs
For two months, outfielder Eric Byrnes has provided much needed spark to the second place Vinnies Pizzeria offense, becoming a quick favorite both of management and the Vinnies Pizzeria faithful. Brought in by GM Josh Aiello to provide some depth to the bench, Brynes quickly established himself as an everyday player, thanks to his all-out approach to the game and to former teammate Jeff Francouer's insistince on swinging at every pitch thrown his way, including those arriving on a bounce.
Byrnes' fiesty, aggressive fake play has cemented his reputation among Vinnies Pizzeria's blue collar fan base, and his jersey is far and away the team's best seller. "He plays like his pants are on fire," raves manager Skip Aiello, "I haven't seen this much hustle since Andy Pettitte got pelted with tomatoes from the upper deck." Byrnes' offensive resurgence could not have come at a more opportune time. With supposed sparkplugs Jose Reyes and Chone Figgins playing like a thalidomide baby and a quadruple amputee respectively, Vinnies Pizzeria direly needed someone to step up. Add to that the departures of Carl Crawford and Carlos Lee (in the blockbuster Carlos Zambrano trade), and the team is likely nowhere near second place without Byrnes.
However, after a week that saw him hit .067 and score a single run, team doctors grew concerned over the outfielder's health and his status as a currently living individual. Head trainer Nehal Aiello, in particular, found Byrnes' performance to be cause for alarm. "I took a close look at Eric's chart and determined that either the numbers were incorrect, or that he had passed away sometime in the last 8 days." When assured that the outfielder had indeed gone 1 for 15 over the stretch, Aiello ordered a full examination. "I must admit I'm puzzled by the results," confessed Aiello afterwards, "The player appears to have a pulse, his body temperature is in keeping with that maintained by fully living human organisms, he reacted with consternation to all manner of prods and pokes...and yet, the numbers just don't add up." With that, Aiello readied a pair of defibrillators, vowing that "these ought to do the trick."
Barring catastrophe, Byrnes should be back in the lineup tomorrow night.
Byrnes' fiesty, aggressive fake play has cemented his reputation among Vinnies Pizzeria's blue collar fan base, and his jersey is far and away the team's best seller. "He plays like his pants are on fire," raves manager Skip Aiello, "I haven't seen this much hustle since Andy Pettitte got pelted with tomatoes from the upper deck." Byrnes' offensive resurgence could not have come at a more opportune time. With supposed sparkplugs Jose Reyes and Chone Figgins playing like a thalidomide baby and a quadruple amputee respectively, Vinnies Pizzeria direly needed someone to step up. Add to that the departures of Carl Crawford and Carlos Lee (in the blockbuster Carlos Zambrano trade), and the team is likely nowhere near second place without Byrnes.
However, after a week that saw him hit .067 and score a single run, team doctors grew concerned over the outfielder's health and his status as a currently living individual. Head trainer Nehal Aiello, in particular, found Byrnes' performance to be cause for alarm. "I took a close look at Eric's chart and determined that either the numbers were incorrect, or that he had passed away sometime in the last 8 days." When assured that the outfielder had indeed gone 1 for 15 over the stretch, Aiello ordered a full examination. "I must admit I'm puzzled by the results," confessed Aiello afterwards, "The player appears to have a pulse, his body temperature is in keeping with that maintained by fully living human organisms, he reacted with consternation to all manner of prods and pokes...and yet, the numbers just don't add up." With that, Aiello readied a pair of defibrillators, vowing that "these ought to do the trick."
Barring catastrophe, Byrnes should be back in the lineup tomorrow night.
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