After a storybook beginning to his major league fake baseball career, Vinnies Pizzeria closer Jonathan Papelbon has hit the skids, prompting league-wide speculation that the young hurler is off the juice. "I've heard the rumors, believe me," says GM Josh Aiello, "and we're on it. I've been down in the basement till 3 am every night this week, and trust me when I tell you I'm on the cusp of a major illicit pharmaceutical breakthrough." If true, the development will come just in time, as the team appears stuck in a statistical nosedive of dotcom stock proportions.
"We need all the help we can get, a secret weapon," confirms head trainer Nehal Aiello. "From what I've seen of Josh's homemade chemistry set, Papelbon should be able strike out the side, hop on a bike, and win the Tour De France after we start shooting him up with this stuff. Our GM is a real visionary."
Of course, there is always the possibility that the serum will fail. In fact, the whole effort has raised eyebrows around the league. "Please, this is the same guy who hung on to Eric Byrnes like he was a liferaft on the Titanic. Now he's in the lab, working on a super steroid? I'll believe it when I see it." The sentiment, from rival GM Bill Griffith, was echoed around the league. Aiello, however, could only scoff. "They'll believe it when my magnificent creation lives!!!" shouted the wild-haired GM before retreating to the dank musty confines of his basement laboratory.
