Mazel Tov!
With his team floundering in the standings, Vinnies Pizzeria General Manager Josh Aiello decided to start thinking old school. As in: Old Testament. "I took a long hard look at the team," Aiello explained, "and realized that what we really needed, besides pitchers who can throw a strike once in a while, was a stronger Jewish presence." Aiello, himself Jewish, describes the moment of inspiration as if coming from a burning bush or similar metaphoric representation of the Lord God. "I'm not a particularly religious man," added Aiello while munching on an Italian hoagie during the fourth night of Passover, "but in our darkest hours we tend to look inward. And if you've seen the standings recently, you know the hour was indeed dark."
Newly inspired and commited to his faith, Aiello began researching free agents in a manner strictly at odds with his usual sabermetric leanings. "Normally, I consider myself a numbers man. I identify the team's needs, then sort through the available players according to strict mathematical criteria. This time, I was only interested in foreskin." As even the most casual fake baseball fan knows, Hebraic talent is usually confined to the field of player representation, as opposed to actual field play. However, in an extraordinary moment of kismet, Aiello's pilgrimage to the free agent pool uncovered outfielder/nice Jewish boy Shawn Green [shown above entering synagogue for Rosh Hashonah services], who had been wandering the waiver wire for 40 days and 40 nights before being delivered to the Vinnies Pizzeria outfield.
Green, who described his new opportunity as "a mitzvah," responded immediately, hitting .481 with a .533 on base percentage, 1 home run, 2 stolen bases, 6 runs scored, and only 1 strikeout in his first week with the team. In his very first at bat after making the exodus from AAA Reno, Green showed some real chutzpah, shmearing a line drive to the left field gap for a double. As is his custom, the player immediately took a moment to kiss his Star of David pendant before raising two fingers to the heavens and mouthing "Praise Adonai." "He's a real mench!" exclaimed Aiello from the owner's box, which had been converted to kosher for the occasion. Since being Chosen to play outfield for the defending champs, Green has blossomed into such a feared slugger that opposing pitchers have been observed shvitzing on the mound whenever he comes to the plate.
After the first game, in between gulps of Manishevitz, the GM and his new star player entertained the press corps with a spirited rendition of Havah Negilah while relief pitcher and noted anti-Semite Bobby Jenks watched suspiciously from across the clubhouse. "It might be a challenge, getting the guys to play together," admitted manager Skip Aiello, "but hopefully this will prove to be an opportunity to grow, and an opportunity to win." As if on cue, Green immediately loaned shortstop Jose Reyes cab fare home, shattering the younger player's belief that Jews were tight-fisted when it comes to money. Of course, Green promised to collect the debt with "a pound of flesh" if necessary, but nobody said this process was going to be easy.
As Vinnnies Pizzeria continues its steady climb up the standings, Aiello has entered into negotiations to aquire catcher Mike Lieberthal, along with "any other players who might possibly be Jewish."
Newly inspired and commited to his faith, Aiello began researching free agents in a manner strictly at odds with his usual sabermetric leanings. "Normally, I consider myself a numbers man. I identify the team's needs, then sort through the available players according to strict mathematical criteria. This time, I was only interested in foreskin." As even the most casual fake baseball fan knows, Hebraic talent is usually confined to the field of player representation, as opposed to actual field play. However, in an extraordinary moment of kismet, Aiello's pilgrimage to the free agent pool uncovered outfielder/nice Jewish boy Shawn Green [shown above entering synagogue for Rosh Hashonah services], who had been wandering the waiver wire for 40 days and 40 nights before being delivered to the Vinnies Pizzeria outfield.Green, who described his new opportunity as "a mitzvah," responded immediately, hitting .481 with a .533 on base percentage, 1 home run, 2 stolen bases, 6 runs scored, and only 1 strikeout in his first week with the team. In his very first at bat after making the exodus from AAA Reno, Green showed some real chutzpah, shmearing a line drive to the left field gap for a double. As is his custom, the player immediately took a moment to kiss his Star of David pendant before raising two fingers to the heavens and mouthing "Praise Adonai." "He's a real mench!" exclaimed Aiello from the owner's box, which had been converted to kosher for the occasion. Since being Chosen to play outfield for the defending champs, Green has blossomed into such a feared slugger that opposing pitchers have been observed shvitzing on the mound whenever he comes to the plate.
After the first game, in between gulps of Manishevitz, the GM and his new star player entertained the press corps with a spirited rendition of Havah Negilah while relief pitcher and noted anti-Semite Bobby Jenks watched suspiciously from across the clubhouse. "It might be a challenge, getting the guys to play together," admitted manager Skip Aiello, "but hopefully this will prove to be an opportunity to grow, and an opportunity to win." As if on cue, Green immediately loaned shortstop Jose Reyes cab fare home, shattering the younger player's belief that Jews were tight-fisted when it comes to money. Of course, Green promised to collect the debt with "a pound of flesh" if necessary, but nobody said this process was going to be easy.
As Vinnnies Pizzeria continues its steady climb up the standings, Aiello has entered into negotiations to aquire catcher Mike Lieberthal, along with "any other players who might possibly be Jewish."
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