Vinnies Pizzeria Leads the League in Boredom

Though currently entrenched in a respectable 3rd place, Vinnies Pizzeria officials confessed yesterday that the team bores them to tears. "We've put together an incredibly balanced team. We hit for power. We steal bases. We score a ton of runs. Our bullpen's great. Lately, our starting pitchers have even begun winning once in a while. Managing this team is like eating a mayonnaise on white bread sandwich. Boring." Thus said general manager Josh Aiello when roused from his customary 7-inning nap. And a closer look at the numbers back him up.

While not a spectacular fake team, this year's lineup is overwhelmingly competent. In fact, the only serious flaw is that the team does not hit for average, a predicament any fake manager can attest to being the most yawn inducing challenge to confront. "Who wants to trade for batting average?" concurs Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, himself a stolen base man. "Not only does it lack sex appeal of any kind, it's virtually impossible to raise a terrible team average by adding one or two hitters. You might as well just cross that category off the list and move on."

Which appears to be what Vinnies Pizzeria is doing, if the fact that they continue playing Chase Utley every night can be viewed as any indication. The posterboy for exciting fake play, Utley has hit just .227 over the past month, including a 3 for 19 skid last week. Yet he remains one of the team's most popular players. "Chase does virtually everything well," agrees Aiello, "besides hitting for average or washing his hair. But nobody's perfect."

With the fake halway point rapidly approaching, the team feels it has at least 4 or 5 weeks left to sit around hoping the competition just falls apart. "It's either that, or go to the beach or something," yawns Aiello, "which couldn't possibly sound like a worse idea."

Eckstein Enjoying His Vacation

With his team in the thick of the pennant race, Vinnies Pizzeria shortstop David Eckstein figured this would be the perfect time to take his annual family vacation. As a fake baseball veteran, Eckstein is afforded two weeks paid time off, and while most choose to travel during the slower months of February and March, the scrappy fake shortstop decided to take advantage of the beautiful springtime weather.

Far from a fake baseball superstar, most observers were surprised when Eckstein won a spot with the defending World Champions. "This is the kind of signing you make when you're dead last in batting average," explained GM Josh Aiello at the time of Eckstein's acquisition. "Hopefully, it will only be a matter of time before we waive him outright."

Most players would be inspired by such a display of confidence, but not Eckstein. "I was floored when he informed me of his vacation plans," says Manager Skip Aiello. "Here's a guy who's just lucky to be playing fake baseball. We grab him off the scrap heap, give him a starting job with the world champs, and this is the thanks we get? I hope he and his .323 batting average have a great time in Tahiti."

In order to facilitate his trip, Eckstein first crafted a convoluted sob story involving some sort of fake concussion. "Yeah, his head hurts, so he can't play," scoffs clubhouse attendant Adam Mutterperl, "and I've got rickets." When reached for comment, Eckstein looked up from his icy rum and coconut cocktail and rubbed his left temple. "Oh yeah, the head...it's feeling a little better now. The rest has been good." When reminded that the injury was to his right side, the shortstop looked taken aback before offering this clarification: "My doctor tells me that concussions can drift...yesterday, it was in my ankle."

Pettitte Ready After Two Month Benching

Vinnies Pizzeria lefthander Andy Pettitte appears ready to rejoin the fake rotation after two months spent riding the pine. Though still sporting a laughable 5.46 ERA, Pettitte's last couple of starts have shown a marked improvement, at least for a pitcher who has appeared to be suffering from an advanced case of Parkinsons for much of the season. The first pitcher selected by Vinnies Pizzeria in this year's supplemental fake draft, Pettitte was considered the ace of a mostly untested rotation. Explains assitant GM Mike Tully, "We knew our starting pitching was a weakness, and were counting on Andy to set an example for the other players. He was the key component of our offense-heavy draft strategy."

Instead, Pettitte proceeded to pitch like an armless man for much of April and May, landing squarely on the bench after his third consecutive dismal outing. "We thought Andy could do more to help our team by sitting in the dugoug, handing out towels to sweaty players, and running to the store for sunflower seeds when necessary," says manager Skip Aiello. "Andy's a real team player, always ready with a cup of water or tirelessly scrubbing our dirty uniforms," adds Jim Thome, who particularly enjoyed Pettitte's "deep, penetrating back rubs."

All good things must come to an end, however. When Pettitte rejoins the rotation next week, he will find himself, at best, the team's number 5 starter, part of a revamped staff that includes Carlos Zambrano, Barry Zito, Justin Verlander, and Chris Young. The hope is that dimished expectations will result in better performance. Barring that, there are always towels that need folding in the team shower.

Many fake experts believe this is Pettitte's last chance to catch on with a big league club. He is out of minor league options, and GM of the Year candidate Josh Aiello doubts whether small market teams like Metallic Pea or HJ Heinz could be hoodwinked into taking on damaged goods. "If Andy falters, it's safe to assume that we'll need to explore some creative alternatives. He could always find work with a fake team in Japan, and I hear the FOX Network is casting their next Man vs. Beast special. That might be perfect for him, assuming the Beast is actually a three-legged dog or blind deer or something."

Byrnes Checked for Vital Signs

For two months, outfielder Eric Byrnes has provided much needed spark to the second place Vinnies Pizzeria offense, becoming a quick favorite both of management and the Vinnies Pizzeria faithful. Brought in by GM Josh Aiello to provide some depth to the bench, Brynes quickly established himself as an everyday player, thanks to his all-out approach to the game and to former teammate Jeff Francouer's insistince on swinging at every pitch thrown his way, including those arriving on a bounce.

Byrnes' fiesty, aggressive fake play has cemented his reputation among Vinnies Pizzeria's blue collar fan base, and his jersey is far and away the team's best seller. "He plays like his pants are on fire," raves manager Skip Aiello, "I haven't seen this much hustle since Andy Pettitte got pelted with tomatoes from the upper deck." Byrnes' offensive resurgence could not have come at a more opportune time. With supposed sparkplugs Jose Reyes and Chone Figgins playing like a thalidomide baby and a quadruple amputee respectively, Vinnies Pizzeria direly needed someone to step up. Add to that the departures of Carl Crawford and Carlos Lee (in the blockbuster Carlos Zambrano trade), and the team is likely nowhere near second place without Byrnes.

However, after a week that saw him hit .067 and score a single run, team doctors grew concerned over the outfielder's health and his status as a currently living individual. Head trainer Nehal Aiello, in particular, found Byrnes' performance to be cause for alarm. "I took a close look at Eric's chart and determined that either the numbers were incorrect, or that he had passed away sometime in the last 8 days." When assured that the outfielder had indeed gone 1 for 15 over the stretch, Aiello ordered a full examination. "I must admit I'm puzzled by the results," confessed Aiello afterwards, "The player appears to have a pulse, his body temperature is in keeping with that maintained by fully living human organisms, he reacted with consternation to all manner of prods and pokes...and yet, the numbers just don't add up." With that, Aiello readied a pair of defibrillators, vowing that "these ought to do the trick."

Barring catastrophe, Byrnes should be back in the lineup tomorrow night.

Carlos Zambrano Day

In a jubilant press conference held this morning at city hall, mayor Mike Bloomberg announced to a capacity crowd that June 5 would "forevermore be known as Carlos Zambrano Day in the great city of New York." With that, the mayor presented Zambrano with keys to the city, a lifetime pass to Scores, and a framed certificate marking the occasion. Speaking through an interpretor and wiping tears from his eyes, Zambrano thanked the people of New York for accepting him with open arms, and vowed to "crush the Boro Boys and make them rue the day they ever traded Carlos Zambrano. Viva Zambrano!" With that, the starting pitcher pounded his chest and raised one finger to the sky, thanking his "personal savior and #1 fan, Jesus Christ."

When reached for comment, Jesus remarked "I'm a big, big fan of Carlos Zambrano and was excited to see him pitching for Vinnies Pizzeria, My favorite fake baseball club. I will continue making his pitches break just off the plate, and vow to wreak terrible havoc on those batters whom dare to defy him."

"It was only three weeks ago when we found ourselves lost in the wilderness, left for dead, struggling to salvage what had become a truly nightmarish fake baseball campaign," intoned Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello from the deck of his Zambrano Day Parade float, "Then we traded for Carlos and everything changed. We're in second place and closing fast, we've got swagger, we've got our heads up, my wife's sleeping with me again...things haven't been this good since we began slipping steroids into Jim Thome's Gatorade. Wait, don't print that."

Blalock Leads Grays to Last Place, Pines for Former Team

Noted second half choke artist Hank Blalock has begun his annual statistical plunge a bit early this year, hitting a paltry .174 during his first week as The Premature Grays' starting third baseman. The Grays, who lead the league in injured players, are reeling despite recently pulling off what appeared to be a series of brilliant trades (most notably the absolute heist of Michael Young for Mariano Rivera).

Blalock, in particular, appears to be having a rough time adapting to his new surroundings. He's been swinging wildly at any pitch thrown his way, missed Tuesday night's game after getting disoriented on the PATH train, and has burst into tears several times while sitting in his customary, far-off seat in a lonely corner of the dugout. Most telling, perhaps, was an incident from Wednesdays night's contest: Blalock, while playing third base, appeared to fall into a whistful reverie as news of his former team's (Vinnies Pizzeria) latest victory was posted on the out of town scoreboard. Blalock wandered through the outfield as if in a trance, not blinking, until he reached the scoreboard, whereupon the big third baseman proceeded to stroke the incandescent Vinnies Pizzeria "V" as if it were his long lost childhood puppy.

"I've never seen anything like it in all my years of fake baseball," observed Jimmy Rollins, who took advantage of Blalock's absence by stealing third. "But the way I'm playing, I'll take it."

Blalock was escorted from the field and helped onto a wooden stool beside his locker. Unable to speak for several minutes, he eventually began mumbling to no one in particular: "I really miss those guys...I can't sleep...I can't eat...It's like my whole world is empty...I don't know why I get out of bed in the morning...Everything was so good...So good..."

When reached for comment, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello had this to say: "Hank Blalock's contributions to the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball squad can not be underestimated. He's a real winner, even though he's now in last place, where he'll no doubt remain. This game is a business, and as much as we valued Hank as a person and as a player, the opportunity to acquire a pitcher of Barry Zito's caliber for a run of the mill third baseman was simply too good to pass up. Now if you'll excuse me, Barry and I are late for brunch. Tell Hank he can pick up his things from my apartment whenever he likes."