Blalock Leads Grays to Last Place, Pines for Former Team
Noted second half choke artist Hank Blalock has begun his annual statistical plunge a bit early this year, hitting a paltry .174 during his first week as The Premature Grays' starting third baseman. The Grays, who lead the league in injured players, are reeling despite recently pulling off what appeared to be a series of brilliant trades (most notably the absolute heist of Michael Young for Mariano Rivera).
Blalock, in particular, appears to be having a rough time adapting to his new surroundings. He's been swinging wildly at any pitch thrown his way, missed Tuesday night's game after getting disoriented on the PATH train, and has burst into tears several times while sitting in his customary, far-off seat in a lonely corner of the dugout. Most telling, perhaps, was an incident from Wednesdays night's contest: Blalock, while playing third base, appeared to fall into a whistful reverie as news of his former team's (Vinnies Pizzeria) latest victory was posted on the out of town scoreboard. Blalock wandered through the outfield as if in a trance, not blinking, until he reached the scoreboard, whereupon the big third baseman proceeded to stroke the incandescent Vinnies Pizzeria "V" as if it were his long lost childhood puppy.
"I've never seen anything like it in all my years of fake baseball," observed Jimmy Rollins, who took advantage of Blalock's absence by stealing third. "But the way I'm playing, I'll take it."
Blalock was escorted from the field and helped onto a wooden stool beside his locker. Unable to speak for several minutes, he eventually began mumbling to no one in particular: "I really miss those guys...I can't sleep...I can't eat...It's like my whole world is empty...I don't know why I get out of bed in the morning...Everything was so good...So good..."
When reached for comment, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello had this to say: "Hank Blalock's contributions to the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball squad can not be underestimated. He's a real winner, even though he's now in last place, where he'll no doubt remain. This game is a business, and as much as we valued Hank as a person and as a player, the opportunity to acquire a pitcher of Barry Zito's caliber for a run of the mill third baseman was simply too good to pass up. Now if you'll excuse me, Barry and I are late for brunch. Tell Hank he can pick up his things from my apartment whenever he likes."
Blalock, in particular, appears to be having a rough time adapting to his new surroundings. He's been swinging wildly at any pitch thrown his way, missed Tuesday night's game after getting disoriented on the PATH train, and has burst into tears several times while sitting in his customary, far-off seat in a lonely corner of the dugout. Most telling, perhaps, was an incident from Wednesdays night's contest: Blalock, while playing third base, appeared to fall into a whistful reverie as news of his former team's (Vinnies Pizzeria) latest victory was posted on the out of town scoreboard. Blalock wandered through the outfield as if in a trance, not blinking, until he reached the scoreboard, whereupon the big third baseman proceeded to stroke the incandescent Vinnies Pizzeria "V" as if it were his long lost childhood puppy.
"I've never seen anything like it in all my years of fake baseball," observed Jimmy Rollins, who took advantage of Blalock's absence by stealing third. "But the way I'm playing, I'll take it."
Blalock was escorted from the field and helped onto a wooden stool beside his locker. Unable to speak for several minutes, he eventually began mumbling to no one in particular: "I really miss those guys...I can't sleep...I can't eat...It's like my whole world is empty...I don't know why I get out of bed in the morning...Everything was so good...So good..."
When reached for comment, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello had this to say: "Hank Blalock's contributions to the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball squad can not be underestimated. He's a real winner, even though he's now in last place, where he'll no doubt remain. This game is a business, and as much as we valued Hank as a person and as a player, the opportunity to acquire a pitcher of Barry Zito's caliber for a run of the mill third baseman was simply too good to pass up. Now if you'll excuse me, Barry and I are late for brunch. Tell Hank he can pick up his things from my apartment whenever he likes."
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