Carlos Zambrano Day

In a jubilant press conference held this morning at city hall, mayor Mike Bloomberg announced to a capacity crowd that June 5 would "forevermore be known as Carlos Zambrano Day in the great city of New York." With that, the mayor presented Zambrano with keys to the city, a lifetime pass to Scores, and a framed certificate marking the occasion. Speaking through an interpretor and wiping tears from his eyes, Zambrano thanked the people of New York for accepting him with open arms, and vowed to "crush the Boro Boys and make them rue the day they ever traded Carlos Zambrano. Viva Zambrano!" With that, the starting pitcher pounded his chest and raised one finger to the sky, thanking his "personal savior and #1 fan, Jesus Christ."

When reached for comment, Jesus remarked "I'm a big, big fan of Carlos Zambrano and was excited to see him pitching for Vinnies Pizzeria, My favorite fake baseball club. I will continue making his pitches break just off the plate, and vow to wreak terrible havoc on those batters whom dare to defy him."

"It was only three weeks ago when we found ourselves lost in the wilderness, left for dead, struggling to salvage what had become a truly nightmarish fake baseball campaign," intoned Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello from the deck of his Zambrano Day Parade float, "Then we traded for Carlos and everything changed. We're in second place and closing fast, we've got swagger, we've got our heads up, my wife's sleeping with me again...things haven't been this good since we began slipping steroids into Jim Thome's Gatorade. Wait, don't print that."