Crawford Under Investigation
League sources confirm that Boro Boys outfielder Carl Crawford is under investigation for throwing games while a member of the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball club. Deputy commissioner Adam Mutterperl spoke briefly with representatives from each team this morning, and was careful to stress that, while Crawford will be allowed to continue playing throughout the investigation, the league takes such matters in utmost seriousness. To that end, Commissioner Chris Naughton has already appointed an idependent investigation led by retired senator Bill Bradley (D-NJ) to explore the allegations. "This is a grave day for fake baseball," intoned Naughton from the beer pong room of his Jersey Shore summer share.
The controversy stems from Crawford's performance immediately following his blockbuster trade to the Boro Boys. In his very first game, the outfielder put up the greatest fake baseball performance in recent memory:
5 for 5, 1 HR, 2 RBI, 4 SB
The performance did not go unnoticed by Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello, who closely monitored the game during Lost season finale commercial breaks. "This is an utter travesty," fumed Aiello when reached by telephone, "I haven't been this dismayed since we learned that the hatch was being monitored by two Russian dudes in the Arctic Circle. Or something."
The numbers seem to bear Aiello out, as Crawford was nothing but a disappointment after being drafted by Vinnies Pizzeria in the first round. "The dude hits one home run in two months, then hits another and steals 4 bases the day after being traded? C'mon, I didn't start playing fake baseball yesterday," continued Aiello.
Crawford's outrageous reversal of fortune also caught the Commissioner's attention. A noted hardliner and traditional interpretor of fake baseball customs, bylaws, history, and tradition, Naughton views the situation with utmost gravity. "This could very well prove to be the Black Sox scandal of our times," claimed Naughton before quickly and sensitively adding, "I'm sorry: African-American Sox scandal."
It is not yet clear what parties might have persuaded Crawford to throw games, but all eyes must be on Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, who is known to have major connections to the Mandalay Bay sports book in Las Vegas.
Developing...
The controversy stems from Crawford's performance immediately following his blockbuster trade to the Boro Boys. In his very first game, the outfielder put up the greatest fake baseball performance in recent memory:
5 for 5, 1 HR, 2 RBI, 4 SB
The performance did not go unnoticed by Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello, who closely monitored the game during Lost season finale commercial breaks. "This is an utter travesty," fumed Aiello when reached by telephone, "I haven't been this dismayed since we learned that the hatch was being monitored by two Russian dudes in the Arctic Circle. Or something."
The numbers seem to bear Aiello out, as Crawford was nothing but a disappointment after being drafted by Vinnies Pizzeria in the first round. "The dude hits one home run in two months, then hits another and steals 4 bases the day after being traded? C'mon, I didn't start playing fake baseball yesterday," continued Aiello.
Crawford's outrageous reversal of fortune also caught the Commissioner's attention. A noted hardliner and traditional interpretor of fake baseball customs, bylaws, history, and tradition, Naughton views the situation with utmost gravity. "This could very well prove to be the Black Sox scandal of our times," claimed Naughton before quickly and sensitively adding, "I'm sorry: African-American Sox scandal."
It is not yet clear what parties might have persuaded Crawford to throw games, but all eyes must be on Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, who is known to have major connections to the Mandalay Bay sports book in Las Vegas.
Developing...
posted by Anonymous at 11:06 AM
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