Vinnies Pizzeria Unveils New Logo
With its team floundering in the standings and fans fleeing the stadium like the Jews from Egypt, Vinnies Pizzeria today unveiled its new logo and uniform design. "This is a great and important day for the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball franchise, our players, our fans, our ball girls, and indeed everyone in the extended Vinnies Pizzeria family," intoned team spokesman Mike Miller from his familiar spot at the press podium, "This is truly a momentous occasion, and one which we hope helps divert some attention from the slowly sinking ship that is our miserable fake baseball team."
With that, Miller removed a bannner covering the new logo to cheers and ahhhs from the normally morose press corps, several of whom fainted before the great and terrible beauty of the new design:
After the room had collected itself, Miller ceded the stage to General Manager Josh Aiello, who gave some insight into the new logo: "It became apparent to us that this was going to be a particularly long and painful fake baseball season. What with Jose Reyes flopping around the plate like an invertebrate and Andy Pettitte leading the league in squandered potential, a return to championship form is unfortunately not in the cards. However, this is a business, as we all know. A fake business, but a business nonetheless. It seemed like time for a change, to get our fans excited again."
The GM then took several questions from the press:
Q: How long has the new design been in development?
Aiello: Great question. I must have spent at least 45 minutes on Photoshop for this thing.
Q: Isn't this merely a transparent ruse intended to force your fans into purchasing new merchandise?
Aiello: You bet it is. And don't forget the alternate Wednesday night black jerseys. Those are a must-have.
Q: How will this improve the team's pitching?
Aiello: Listen, I'm not trying to kid anybody. Our pitching is the laughingstock of the league. Really, it's downright atrocious. I've seen better stuff in the Special Olympics. But at least now we'll suck in style.
Q: I'm shocked by this. The Vinnies Pizzeria logo is perhaps the pre-eminent symbol in all of fake sports. Through our country's tough times, for over a century, the VP pinstripes have stood for something truly great. You're tossing that heritage in the garbage to sell some shirts?
Aiello: Well, we're also trying to sell hats. But thanks, Peter, I appreciate those sentiments, and I'm well aware of the team's standing in our shared mythology. That's why we will continue to wear the old uniforms for Sunday afternoon games, on a bi-weekly basis, discounting nationally televised games.
With that, the General Manager left the podium, slipped into a new VP jersey, and proceeded directly to a tickertape parade being held in his honor. Mike Miller closed the ceremony by invoking ownersip's hope that the new logo "won't only distract our fans from the lowly state of our pitching staff, but will also do a great deal to avert their attention from our lack of situational hitting, our Bad News Bears style defense, and the relative unattractiveness of our team wives."
Thus ended a truly momentous day in the annals of fake baseball.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our Special Report, when fake baseball historian Thaddeus T. Copperpot traces the storied history of the Vinnies Pizzeria franchise and discusses the iconic nature of its beloved and suddenly replaced classic logo:
With that, Miller removed a bannner covering the new logo to cheers and ahhhs from the normally morose press corps, several of whom fainted before the great and terrible beauty of the new design:
After the room had collected itself, Miller ceded the stage to General Manager Josh Aiello, who gave some insight into the new logo: "It became apparent to us that this was going to be a particularly long and painful fake baseball season. What with Jose Reyes flopping around the plate like an invertebrate and Andy Pettitte leading the league in squandered potential, a return to championship form is unfortunately not in the cards. However, this is a business, as we all know. A fake business, but a business nonetheless. It seemed like time for a change, to get our fans excited again."
The GM then took several questions from the press:
Q: How long has the new design been in development?
Aiello: Great question. I must have spent at least 45 minutes on Photoshop for this thing.
Q: Isn't this merely a transparent ruse intended to force your fans into purchasing new merchandise?
Aiello: You bet it is. And don't forget the alternate Wednesday night black jerseys. Those are a must-have.
Q: How will this improve the team's pitching?
Aiello: Listen, I'm not trying to kid anybody. Our pitching is the laughingstock of the league. Really, it's downright atrocious. I've seen better stuff in the Special Olympics. But at least now we'll suck in style.
Q: I'm shocked by this. The Vinnies Pizzeria logo is perhaps the pre-eminent symbol in all of fake sports. Through our country's tough times, for over a century, the VP pinstripes have stood for something truly great. You're tossing that heritage in the garbage to sell some shirts?
Aiello: Well, we're also trying to sell hats. But thanks, Peter, I appreciate those sentiments, and I'm well aware of the team's standing in our shared mythology. That's why we will continue to wear the old uniforms for Sunday afternoon games, on a bi-weekly basis, discounting nationally televised games.
With that, the General Manager left the podium, slipped into a new VP jersey, and proceeded directly to a tickertape parade being held in his honor. Mike Miller closed the ceremony by invoking ownersip's hope that the new logo "won't only distract our fans from the lowly state of our pitching staff, but will also do a great deal to avert their attention from our lack of situational hitting, our Bad News Bears style defense, and the relative unattractiveness of our team wives."
Thus ended a truly momentous day in the annals of fake baseball.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our Special Report, when fake baseball historian Thaddeus T. Copperpot traces the storied history of the Vinnies Pizzeria franchise and discusses the iconic nature of its beloved and suddenly replaced classic logo:
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