Greg Maddux Put Down

After suffering a terrible breakdown on the mound last night to the tune of 7 earned runs over 3.2 innings (that’s a 17.18 ERA if you’re counting), Vinnies Pizzeria starting pitcher Greg Maddux was put down by team trainers, who called the decision tough but necessary. Maddux, perhaps the premiere right handed pitcher of his generation, started the year strong, sprinting out of the gate to his first career 5-0 start before coming up lame over the past month. The Fake Baseball Players Association opposed the move, with union head Jim Marchese urging team doctors to simply patch Maddux’s wounds and let the great champion out to pasture. “We believe a pitcher of Greg Maddux’s majesty deserves to live out the remainder of his days playing golf, attending card shows, and screwing the occasional groupie,” Marchese said in a written statement. “He’s more than earned that.”

Vinnies Pizzeria head trainer Nehal Aiello disagreed, however, calling the decision to put Maddux down “the most humane and empathetic option, both for the pitcher, his family, and most importantly the tortured fans of the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball club. Let’s remember Greg the way he was, not as the gimpy, unreliable catastrophe he has become.” As is befitting one of the great kings of his sport, Maddux will be stuffed, mounted and placed on permanent display in the Legends Wing of the Fake Baseball Hall of Fame, located in Secaucus, NJ.