"Screw the budget, we're buying an airplane."
So said Vinnies Pizzeria owner Stanforth H. Aiello III after disembarking from the team's non-charter Amtrak train from Washington, DC, to New York earlier this afternoon. "I'd rather go bankrupt than spend another five seconds among the detestable hoi polloi," added Aiello before hitting the Yale Club to soothe his frayed nerves at the bar.
Train and bus trips to out of town games are but part of an extensive across-the-board effort recently instituted to help slash escalating team operating expenses. In addition to such lowly methods of travel, Vinnies Pizzeria currently shares a single batting helmet, employs a stray raccoon as its mascot, and enforces a strict Bring Your Own Gatorade policy in the dugout, all of which, while unpopular, pale in comparison to the team's "No Pitching In '06" promotion.
Today's train ride, however, appears to represent the last straw. Aiello does not normally make a practice of accompanying his team on the road, but made an exception for the weekend set in DC, where he served as Grand Marshal of the Memorial Day parade and cut the ceremonial ribbon on the city's twelve billionth Cosi. As if the Deep South's unrelenting heat and thorough lack of shade hadn't been bad enough, the team was informed by train conductors that, due to overcrowding, there would be no Quiet Car reserved for the ride to New York. As if by intelligent design, this pronouncement was accompanied by the sight of six middle-aged women bounding into the compartment as if they'd never been out of the house before.
"I knew we were in trouble when they asked if Bloody Marys were available in the club car," reported second baseman Chase Utley, "This was at 8 am." Players proceeded to squirm uncomfortably as the gaggle of ill-bred passengers proceeded to giggle, guffah, and "You Go, Girl" each other all the way to Baltimore, whereupon a visibly peeved Jim Thome noted, "I know I'm just a boring old white guy, but this is ridiculous." Things got worse from there, as the loudly dressed and coiffed herd responded to news that the Quiet Car had been eliminated as if parading the streets at Mardi Gras. "I didn't know whether to throw beads or toss them off the moving train," snapped outfielder Shawn Green, flustered by his inability to peacefully peruse the Torah.
Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello spent much of the trip glaring at the rowdy interlopers from the safety of his seat in the adjacent row. "I'm wearing headphones designed to block out the noise of a 747," fumed Aiello, "and they're not putting a dent in this goddamn racket." When the women then proceeded to watch a dvd AT FULL VOLUME, catcher Paul LoDuca approached the women and politely asked that they please keep the noise down, a request that was met with "If you don't like how we actin', you up and move your seat" and much cackling.
The offending party finally disembarked at Philadelphia, inspring a hearty round of applause from the remaining passengers, none of whom could recall the last time they'd been so happy to see Philadelphia.
In addition to the new airplane, Stanforth Aiello plans to petition his friends in Congress to build some sort of wall around DC as soon as they finish the one in Mexico.
Train and bus trips to out of town games are but part of an extensive across-the-board effort recently instituted to help slash escalating team operating expenses. In addition to such lowly methods of travel, Vinnies Pizzeria currently shares a single batting helmet, employs a stray raccoon as its mascot, and enforces a strict Bring Your Own Gatorade policy in the dugout, all of which, while unpopular, pale in comparison to the team's "No Pitching In '06" promotion.
Today's train ride, however, appears to represent the last straw. Aiello does not normally make a practice of accompanying his team on the road, but made an exception for the weekend set in DC, where he served as Grand Marshal of the Memorial Day parade and cut the ceremonial ribbon on the city's twelve billionth Cosi. As if the Deep South's unrelenting heat and thorough lack of shade hadn't been bad enough, the team was informed by train conductors that, due to overcrowding, there would be no Quiet Car reserved for the ride to New York. As if by intelligent design, this pronouncement was accompanied by the sight of six middle-aged women bounding into the compartment as if they'd never been out of the house before.
"I knew we were in trouble when they asked if Bloody Marys were available in the club car," reported second baseman Chase Utley, "This was at 8 am." Players proceeded to squirm uncomfortably as the gaggle of ill-bred passengers proceeded to giggle, guffah, and "You Go, Girl" each other all the way to Baltimore, whereupon a visibly peeved Jim Thome noted, "I know I'm just a boring old white guy, but this is ridiculous." Things got worse from there, as the loudly dressed and coiffed herd responded to news that the Quiet Car had been eliminated as if parading the streets at Mardi Gras. "I didn't know whether to throw beads or toss them off the moving train," snapped outfielder Shawn Green, flustered by his inability to peacefully peruse the Torah.
Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello spent much of the trip glaring at the rowdy interlopers from the safety of his seat in the adjacent row. "I'm wearing headphones designed to block out the noise of a 747," fumed Aiello, "and they're not putting a dent in this goddamn racket." When the women then proceeded to watch a dvd AT FULL VOLUME, catcher Paul LoDuca approached the women and politely asked that they please keep the noise down, a request that was met with "If you don't like how we actin', you up and move your seat" and much cackling.
The offending party finally disembarked at Philadelphia, inspring a hearty round of applause from the remaining passengers, none of whom could recall the last time they'd been so happy to see Philadelphia.
In addition to the new airplane, Stanforth Aiello plans to petition his friends in Congress to build some sort of wall around DC as soon as they finish the one in Mexico.
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