Crap Job To Blame For Pitching Woes

[Editor's Note: This post, originally scheduled to appear two days ago, was delayed by unbelievable laziness.]

In what's being called the Sophie's Choice of fantasy baseball, Vinnies Pizzeria manager Josh Aiello elected to send rookie pitcher Brian Bannister to the mound in San Francisco for the sole purpose of alleviating several hours of workplace drudgery. Despite serious reservations concerning the youngster's ability to face a semi-hot hitting team on the road, the game's 3:00pm EST start time was simply too much for Aiello to resist, as it represented his best chance of slacking off for the remainder of the afternoon. "It was either monitor Bannister's performance online or spend another three hours writing junkmail for Cablevision," the manager said, before adding "Obviously, that's really not much of a choice at all."

Five innings later, the manager's hubris was rewarded with 3 earned runs, 7 hits, 3 walks, and the sight of his pitcher hobbling off the diamond with what appeared, at the time, to be a serious hamstring injury. Never one to coddle his players, General Manager Aiello immediately cut Bannister from the team before the game had even ended. He was replaced on the roster by fellow crapshoot fake baseball pitcher Justin Verlander. Afterwards, the GM was quoted as saying, "I wish Brian the best of luck, but that performance was worse than working."

The day, however, was not a complete loss, as the the sight of Barry Bonds' 9th inning pinch hit homerun off detestable alpaca farmer/closer Billy Wagner inspired squeals of jubilation from the normally morose Aiello. "It's like Hannukah come early!" the GM exclaimed while excitedly embracing startled cubemates.

Wednesday Chat with Jon Lieber

This week, Dave Gilmartin catches up with Vinnies Pizzeria starting pitcher Jon Lieber to discuss the finer points of going winless for an entire month.

FBT: Jon, it's been said that the fake baseball season is a marathon, not a sprint. With that in mind, it seems you're stumbling deliriously along the course, covered in your own vomit, suffering from severe dehydration, being lapped by runners on crutches, with the finish line nowhere in sight. Isn't it time to just pass out and save everyone the trouble?

JL: Well, it's been a tough start to the season, no doubt about that. The last time I went this long without a win was when I missed 2 seasons recovering from Tommy John surgery.

FBT: You're currently surrendering 8 earned runs per game.

JL: Yes.

FBT: I don't even have a question...just wanted to hear what it sounded like to say "8 earned runs per game" out loud. As an interviewer, I don't often get that opportunity.

JL: Well, those numbers can be deceiving.

FBT: How so?

JL: They don't even take into account runs that almost scored, but didn't through no fault of my own. Let's say the bases are loaded with one out, and I toss my patented Floating Duck pitch up over the plate only to have [Vinnie's Pizzeria shortstop] Jose Reyes make an unbelievable play in the hole that results in a double play. That right there could have easily been 3 more runs had the breaks gone the other way.

FBT: You and [VP "ace"] Andy Pettite have combined for 7 losses in 3 and a half weeks. Who's been more disappointing?

JL: Well, Andy does have 1 win, so I'd have to say me.

FBT: No argument here. In fact, you've been so bad over the past month that rookie pitcher Brian Bannister is now considered a more reliable option. How have you accepted your new diminished role on the team?

JL: I've been on the bench for my last two starts, and Skip tells me he has no plans to put me in the lineup against Colorado tomorrow...it's tough, but I'm happy to do anything to help the team, even if it means never playing.

FBT: Vinnies Pizzeria owner Stanforth H. Aiello, III was recently quoted as saying, "Jon Lieber couldn't find the strike zone if a Sherpa was holding his hand." With that sort of pressure coming from above, there's speculation that if your numbers don't improve, management plans to stick you in the Phillie Phanatic suit by the trade deadline.

JL: Well, the Phanatic is a great entertainer. He brings a lot to the table and is always a much better treat than actually watching the team play. I would consider it an honor to continue the long tradition of chicanery that the Phanatic is known for, and have even been brushing up on my ATV-riding skills in the event that the opportunity presents itself.

FBT: Jon Lieber, thank you for taking the time to chat with us. And here's hoping you push your ERA over the fabled 10 runs per game barrier.

JL: Thank you, Dave. And that would be quite an accomplishment.

Weather Report

With clouds and rain blanketing the northeast, league commisioner Chris Naughton reports that tonight's games may be in jeopardy, as most managers are too depressed to get out of bed, much less set their rosters. "I just got off the phone with Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello," said Naughton during his weekly press conference, "and am sorry to relate the news that he hasn't been this bummed out since Burger King discontinued the Western Whopper." The dreary weather, coupled with the fact that it's once again Monday morning, might result in the first fake baseball work stoppage since 2002, when a regional blackout rendered managers more helpless than Jon Lieber on a pitcher's mound. Reached for comment, Metallic Pea GM Patrick O'Grady could only mutter, "I can not believe it's only 10:59."

Internet Connection Threatens Fantasy Campaign

In a stunning turn of events, Vinnies Pizzeria General Manager Josh Aiello has agree to spend the next 4 days in Washington, DC. In addition to the area's shocking lack of dining and cultural options, rumor has it that the GM will have only a dialup internet connection at his disposal, effectively rendering such modern conveniences as StatTracker virtually unuseable, to say nothing of his ability to respond to and/or propose trades. The news has sent Aiello's league into a frenzied tizzy of speculation and innuendo, as even the most beleagured GMs see an opening that has eluded them since draft day. "This will do more to cripple Vinnies Pizzeria than Chase Utley's batting average," gushed Premature Greys' GM Chris Naughton, barely able to conceal a giggle. Bill Griffith, of the perennial doormat Boro Boys, could only respond to the news after collapsing onto a cushioned divan and being adminstered smelling salts and a shot of whisky, and even then could only mutter an astonished, "my heavens."

While not quite on par with, say, spending a week on the lunar surface, the barren wasteland known as Washington, DC, has long been considered a fake baseball no man's land, despite the recent relocation of a Canadian Yahoo free public league to the area. It is unknown precisely how Aiello plans to fill the time normally spent obsessing over his fantasy team, though one hypothesis has him doing fifteen to twenty loads of laundry, owing to the fact that the savages still smoke in bars down there.

Nady Taunts Former Team

Though Xavier Nady's 1 for 3 performance last night might not land him on a Wheaties box, it was more than enough for the new HJ Heinz outfielder to pour salt in the already open wounds of his former team, Vinnies Pizzeria. Though hitting .396 on the season, with as many home runs as strikeouts (4), Nady was unceremoniously dumped for the second time last week in favor of someone named Ryan Langerhans. When reached for comment, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello would only say, "There's no way he hits .400 this year," before sulking off into his office for an emotional night of soul and waiver wire searching.

Aiello's quick trigger finger is well known in fake baseball circles, dating from the time he cut Scott Rolen after the third baseman failed to run out a ground ball to Aiello's liking, an incident recalled in legendary tones by opposing GMs. Nady, however, represents the first time in fake baseball history that an organization has cut a player hitting .400 twice in the span of 8 days. League sources indicate that problems may stem from an off-the-field situation, namely the outfielder's reluctance to participate in an unbelievably cheesy "X-Man"-themed promotional event dreamed up by the Vinnies Pizzeria marketing department. Whatever the cause of the rift, Nady was quoted as saying, "It is my mission for the 2006 fake baseball campaign to cause Vinnies Pizzeria management as much stress, chest pain, and restless nights as is humanly possible."

Monday Chat with Carl Crawford

In the first installment of our new chat series, Fake Baseball Team beat writer Dave Gilmartin sits down with Vinnies Pizzeria outfielder Carl Crawford.

FBT: Carl, what do the following players have in common: Manny Ramirez, Johan Santana, Derek Lee, and Jason Bay?

CC: Well, they're all great fake baseball players.

FBT: They were also selected after you in this year's draft. What surprised you more: your early selection, or Uncle Junior shooting Tony on the Sopranos?

CC: Tony getting shot was quite a shock, but I feel I can play with anyone as long as I go out there and play my game as I know I can play it. That said, being drafted ahead of those players was quite an honor.

FBT: Has the shock contributed to your befuddlement at the plate?

CC: It may have. I'm still getting comfortable up there. It's early, and I've gotta get the kinks out. Expectations are high, which adds some pressure. I just gotta take it one game at a time.

FBT: Speaking of one game, on Friday you managed to go 0 for 4 against the Kansas City Royals. Walk us through that.

CC: I was pressing. The Royals might not have many pitchers who actually belong in the major leagues, but you still gotta go out there and hit the ball. I worked the count a few times, was seeing the ball well, and took my hacks. Unfortunately, I just couldn't hit it where they ain't.

FBT: Are there any more cliches you'd like to get in there?

CC: Well, I was going to say that it's a team game, and we've all got to play together.

FBT: Speaking of which, Travis Hafner and Jim Thome have managed to pick up most of your slack in the early goings. In fact, their performances have done a great deal to obscure the fact that you're hitting .269 with 0 home runs. Have you bought either of them a fruit basket or gold watch yet?

CC: I'm only going to answer baseball questions.

FBT: Maybe flowers, even. Okay, here's a baseball question: Given the fact that Bronson Arroyo has driven two balls over the fence already, is it safe to assume that a monkey would have hit a homerun by this point in the season? Assuming, of course, that the monkey is getting regular at bats?

CC: Well, it would of course depend on the monkey's approach to the game. Carl Crawford isn't just going up there hacking. Carl Crawford takes the situation into account. Sometimes Carl needs to hit a single. Other times Carl needs to steal a base. That's just Carl being Carl.

FBT: Still, your manager was recently quoted as saying, "I look around the league, and can't believe the guys who are hitting better than Carl Crawford. I'm no doctor, but it's like he's taking some sort of steroid antidote or something. Jesus Christ, our catcher [Jason Varitek] is swiping bases at the same rate, and he's got the knees of a 300 year old man." That must hurt.

CC: It's all motivation for me. Jason's a great player. I know what I can do out there, and I just gotta make it happen. Sure, it was ludicrous to select me with the 6th pick in the draft. Only an absolute moron would do that. But now I gotta play up to the pressure.

FBT: Well, Carl Crawford, that about wraps things up. Thank you for your time.

CC: Thank you.


Next week: Dave chats with John Lieber about getting rocked every time you step on a pitcher's mound.

Greatest Inventions of All Time

1. Air conditioning
2. The wheel
3. The internet
4. Ice coffee
5. Airplanes
6. The zipper
7. Netflix
8. Yahoo Sports Fantasy Baseball Stat Tracker
9. iPods
10. The Swiffer

Trade Winds Blowing

League sources, speaking on the condition of anonymity, indicate that a blockbuster trade may be in the works. Teams and precise details remain hazy, though rumor has it a full half of The Premature Grey's starting lineup might be soon traded to a contendor for a bag of baseballs and 3 Jersey Mike's Italian hoagies. Most General Managers are keeping mum on the rumors, though Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith went on record, saying "Three hoagies might be a bit steep for those players."

Wilkerson Cut

In a surprising move, OF Brad Wilkerson was cut yesterday from Vinnies Pizzeria after leading the known universe in strikeouts. The leadoff hitter, considered to be a key component of the new look VP offense, faltered early and often in his comical attempts to lay wood on ball. After being informed of the team's decision, Wilkerson took his frustrations out on the locker room. In addition to tossing several water bottles across the room, he picked up a bat and ironically managed to connect with several lockers, prompting teammate Carlos Lee to quip, "It's a good thing those lockers didn't throw him a changeup." General Manager Aiello, who broke the news to Wilkerson, had this to say: "Brad's a good kid. I'm sure he'll catch on somewhere, but I can get a monkey to strike out 4 times a game." As if on cue, this statement was followed by the sight of replacement OF Jason Michaels settling in to his new locker.

Morneau

Was there any doubt he'd start hitting the cover off the ball as soon as I benched him? Unbelievable. Looks like the team meeting was a success, anyway.

My Team Is Atrocious

The only things causing me more angst than my abysmal fantasy team right now are a) the equally embarrassing play of the Philadelphia Phillies (Charlie Manuel should be in a nursing home, not a major league dugout) and b) the fact that I've got 9 days to read Crime and Punishment for a book club that sounded like a great idea at the time (I was drunk).

As for Vinnies Pizzeria, I've got a closed-door meeting scheduled for 1:30 this afternoon. No media. No entourages. No hip hop. Just my staff and the players. It's not gonna be pretty, but neither has our performance on the diamond, if you can even call it a performance. I plan to stress the fundamentals. Yes, Pedro Martinez is a good pitcher, but you don't need to strike out 3 times in one game against him. That's overkill. At least do me a favor and ground out or something.

The Zim Strikes Again

I have seen some beautiful things in my life: the cliffs of Dover, Pacific sunsets, Lindsay Lohan's pre-weight loss Vanity Fair bikini spread, the new Starbucks coffee machine at work...but nothing compared to the gorgeous spectacle of Ryan Zimmerman taking Billy Wagner deep in the 9th inning at Shea last night. As the ball cleared the leftfield fence, it was like gazing upon the face of God itself. I was so overcome with emotion that I daresay my delighted squeals and leaps from the couch rivaled the noise produced by the small demon child who lives in the apartment next door to mine (and that's saying something). It was glorious, just glorious.

Getting a spot start over the difficult-to-spell Justin Morneau, the young 3B from DC made the most of his opportunity, simultaneously taking one giant leap toward permanent Vinnies Pizzeria starter status and bringing us all one step closer to the fabled Billy Wagner career-ending exploded elbow of '06.

Said Vinnies Pizzeria manager Josh Aiello: "I really like this kid."

(Of course, Tom Gordon was busy blowing a game back in Philly, but that's another story. Let me just enjoy this...)

Ryan 'The Zim' Zimmerman

While I was obviously pleased with starting 3B Hank Blalock going 2/4 with a homerun, it was great to get backup Ryan Zimmerman a few at bats as well. The preseason favorite for Vinnies Pizzeria Rookie of the Year honors went 2/3 and showed some nice hustle and great enthusiasm for the game. I especially like his positive effect on the clubhouse and look forward to getting him into the lineup full time as soon as Justin Morneau breaks his leg falling down a flight of stairs or something.

Opening Day

With visions of last night's Jim Thome moonshot dancing in my head, Opening Day had me bouncing off the walls of my cubicle like my mom at a Shop-Rite Can Can sale. Coupled with the facts that a) today was the first day of my boss's 2 week vacation and b) I'd be taking off early to watch baseball, this was shaping up to be quite a day. Of course, I spent the first couple of hours slacking off and using the high-tech color printers for personal projects, then at 1:00 fired up StatTracker for the first time this season, which was sort of like taking the convertible out for its first spring ride (or so I'd imagine). Not even the NY Mets could ruin my mood, as I avidly "watched" the game online and began my 2006 Billy Wagner's Elbow Explodes watch. As for the fantasy implications of this game, let's just say that of course Jose Reyes was practically the only guy in the stadium to go hitless. Awesome. I'm glad I burned my third pick on this joker.

Anyway...real baseball conspired to ruin my first day of fantasy heaven (though my plummeting like 30 points didn't help either): I dashed out of work at 2:30, hightailed it to the Barfly, my out-of-town baseball watching bar of choice, settled in with the first of what I'd hoped would be many Miller Lites, and promptly discovered that the one single MLB game not available via satellite was Phils/Cards. Unfuckingbelievable. I slapped some money on the bar and stomped home, whereupon I wasted little time posting my displeasure on the Phillies message board (all the while trying to ignore the fact that the Phils, and my starter, John Lieber, were down about 3 billion runs in the 5th inning). Cut to 2 hours later and I'm still on the boards, fighting it out with the Philly Phaithful who have never left Philly and don't understand that every other team in the league has moved beyond the day of strictly regional, non-satellite broadcasting. It's like rooting for a minor league team. One idiot actually had the audacity to suggest I move to Philadelphia if I want to see the games. Hey, I love baseball and live for the Phils, but let's not get hysterical. I like Vietnamese food, too, but don't have any plans to move to Saigon. Of course, you can get Vietnamese in NYC, unlike Phillies games.

This ordeal got me so worked up I actually RETURNED TO WORK and finished up the day. Then I went home and drank Jack and Diet Coke all night.

My Bold Prediction

Okay, I haven't conducted any scientific research or consulted Peter Gammons or anything, but after a cursory look at our lineups, my prediction for this year's champion (and it pains me to say this) is:

THE BORO BOYS

The Draft

As far as I know, none of my friends have ever slept with any of my girlfriends. I suspect that such a thing would feel terrible, like the world had caved in, like there was no future, no up or down, no reason to continue on with my miserable existence. I imagine that little could console me, that I'd lie on my couch for upwards of three months, with little going for me besides Cosby reruns, Chinese takeout, cheap six packs of Yeungling, and weepy late night phone calls to my mother. In time, I might get better, though be unable to refer to this period of mourning as anything other than "The Dark Place."

This is sort of how I felt when Bill drafted David Ortiz with the 4th pick. My boy! The consensus MVP of last season's champion Vinnie's Pizzeria, the one man capable of making me hate Boston a little less. As Marty McFly might say, "David Ortiz is my density." The 4th pick!!! I thought I had him sewn up at number 6, thought Bill could be counted upon to blow his 1st pick on his own beloved, Chone Figgins. I reeled, blinking at the screen, realizing I had no Plan B. I was on the board. Not since the first time I had sex did 90 seconds fly by so quickly. I found myself confusedly, deliriously, frantically selecting Carl Crawford, then thinking to myself, "Carl Crawford??? Who's that?" Alas, there are no do-overs in fantasy baseball. And unfortunately, no time machines, either. By the way, I crammed for this draft like it was the goddamn bar exam.

The next morning I awoke to two things: a horrible looking fantasy lineup, and an email from Jim consisting of a single succinct sentence: "That's a pretty sweet OBP you've got there." Oh, the humanity. Of course, I did take some consolation from the fact that Jim has apparently named his team after his favorite male porn star (Michael Long), but this only made me feel slightly better.

This Year

Here's the situation: Yahoo Private League. 11 Teams. Rotisseree. Somewhat unorthodox 7x6 format. Live draft. Once again, I'm Vinnie's Pizzeria, the name of my little league squad, on which I was allowed to plod around the first base bag in the late innings when not banished to the hinterlands known as left field.

The girlfriend is leery.

As usual, I consider the teams of close friends to be my real rivals. Of course, this is completely nonsensical (but then again so is fantasy baseball). Thus, in my fantasy addled brain the teams to beat are The Boro Boys, Metallic Pea, and The Premature Greys. My mission for the next 7 months is to bury them in the fantasy dust, to mix 6 or 7 metaphors.

Last Year

I am the champion. Nobody pays up. The girlfriend somehow manages not to dump me as thanks for spending more time with my fantasy team than with her.