"Screw the budget, we're buying an airplane."

So said Vinnies Pizzeria owner Stanforth H. Aiello III after disembarking from the team's non-charter Amtrak train from Washington, DC, to New York earlier this afternoon. "I'd rather go bankrupt than spend another five seconds among the detestable hoi polloi," added Aiello before hitting the Yale Club to soothe his frayed nerves at the bar.

Train and bus trips to out of town games are but part of an extensive across-the-board effort recently instituted to help slash escalating team operating expenses. In addition to such lowly methods of travel, Vinnies Pizzeria currently shares a single batting helmet, employs a stray raccoon as its mascot, and enforces a strict Bring Your Own Gatorade policy in the dugout, all of which, while unpopular, pale in comparison to the team's "No Pitching In '06" promotion.

Today's train ride, however, appears to represent the last straw. Aiello does not normally make a practice of accompanying his team on the road, but made an exception for the weekend set in DC, where he served as Grand Marshal of the Memorial Day parade and cut the ceremonial ribbon on the city's twelve billionth Cosi. As if the Deep South's unrelenting heat and thorough lack of shade hadn't been bad enough, the team was informed by train conductors that, due to overcrowding, there would be no Quiet Car reserved for the ride to New York. As if by intelligent design, this pronouncement was accompanied by the sight of six middle-aged women bounding into the compartment as if they'd never been out of the house before.

"I knew we were in trouble when they asked if Bloody Marys were available in the club car," reported second baseman Chase Utley, "This was at 8 am." Players proceeded to squirm uncomfortably as the gaggle of ill-bred passengers proceeded to giggle, guffah, and "You Go, Girl" each other all the way to Baltimore, whereupon a visibly peeved Jim Thome noted, "I know I'm just a boring old white guy, but this is ridiculous." Things got worse from there, as the loudly dressed and coiffed herd responded to news that the Quiet Car had been eliminated as if parading the streets at Mardi Gras. "I didn't know whether to throw beads or toss them off the moving train," snapped outfielder Shawn Green, flustered by his inability to peacefully peruse the Torah.

Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello spent much of the trip glaring at the rowdy interlopers from the safety of his seat in the adjacent row. "I'm wearing headphones designed to block out the noise of a 747," fumed Aiello, "and they're not putting a dent in this goddamn racket." When the women then proceeded to watch a dvd AT FULL VOLUME, catcher Paul LoDuca approached the women and politely asked that they please keep the noise down, a request that was met with "If you don't like how we actin', you up and move your seat" and much cackling.

The offending party finally disembarked at Philadelphia, inspring a hearty round of applause from the remaining passengers, none of whom could recall the last time they'd been so happy to see Philadelphia.

In addition to the new airplane, Stanforth Aiello plans to petition his friends in Congress to build some sort of wall around DC as soon as they finish the one in Mexico.

Crawford Under Investigation

League sources confirm that Boro Boys outfielder Carl Crawford is under investigation for throwing games while a member of the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball club. Deputy commissioner Adam Mutterperl spoke briefly with representatives from each team this morning, and was careful to stress that, while Crawford will be allowed to continue playing throughout the investigation, the league takes such matters in utmost seriousness. To that end, Commissioner Chris Naughton has already appointed an idependent investigation led by retired senator Bill Bradley (D-NJ) to explore the allegations. "This is a grave day for fake baseball," intoned Naughton from the beer pong room of his Jersey Shore summer share.

The controversy stems from Crawford's performance immediately following his blockbuster trade to the Boro Boys. In his very first game, the outfielder put up the greatest fake baseball performance in recent memory:

5 for 5, 1 HR, 2 RBI, 4 SB

The performance did not go unnoticed by Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello, who closely monitored the game during Lost season finale commercial breaks. "This is an utter travesty," fumed Aiello when reached by telephone, "I haven't been this dismayed since we learned that the hatch was being monitored by two Russian dudes in the Arctic Circle. Or something."

The numbers seem to bear Aiello out, as Crawford was nothing but a disappointment after being drafted by Vinnies Pizzeria in the first round. "The dude hits one home run in two months, then hits another and steals 4 bases the day after being traded? C'mon, I didn't start playing fake baseball yesterday," continued Aiello.

Crawford's outrageous reversal of fortune also caught the Commissioner's attention. A noted hardliner and traditional interpretor of fake baseball customs, bylaws, history, and tradition, Naughton views the situation with utmost gravity. "This could very well prove to be the Black Sox scandal of our times," claimed Naughton before quickly and sensitively adding, "I'm sorry: African-American Sox scandal."

It is not yet clear what parties might have persuaded Crawford to throw games, but all eyes must be on Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, who is known to have major connections to the Mandalay Bay sports book in Las Vegas.

Developing...

Will Someone Please Push Charlie Manuel Under the 7 Train Today?

That's it. No jokes today. I'm too disgusted.


PS. If I were feeling up to the task of writing a real post, it would no doubt involve Chris Naughton pulling off what might be the best trade I've seen in 5 years of fake baseball. Kudos.

Vinnies Pizzeria Unveils New Logo

With its team floundering in the standings and fans fleeing the stadium like the Jews from Egypt, Vinnies Pizzeria today unveiled its new logo and uniform design. "This is a great and important day for the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball franchise, our players, our fans, our ball girls, and indeed everyone in the extended Vinnies Pizzeria family," intoned team spokesman Mike Miller from his familiar spot at the press podium, "This is truly a momentous occasion, and one which we hope helps divert some attention from the slowly sinking ship that is our miserable fake baseball team."

With that, Miller removed a bannner covering the new logo to cheers and ahhhs from the normally morose press corps, several of whom fainted before the great and terrible beauty of the new design:



After the room had collected itself, Miller ceded the stage to General Manager Josh Aiello, who gave some insight into the new logo: "It became apparent to us that this was going to be a particularly long and painful fake baseball season. What with Jose Reyes flopping around the plate like an invertebrate and Andy Pettitte leading the league in squandered potential, a return to championship form is unfortunately not in the cards. However, this is a business, as we all know. A fake business, but a business nonetheless. It seemed like time for a change, to get our fans excited again."

The GM then took several questions from the press:

Q: How long has the new design been in development?

Aiello: Great question. I must have spent at least 45 minutes on Photoshop for this thing.

Q: Isn't this merely a transparent ruse intended to force your fans into purchasing new merchandise?

Aiello: You bet it is. And don't forget the alternate Wednesday night black jerseys. Those are a must-have.

Q: How will this improve the team's pitching?

Aiello: Listen, I'm not trying to kid anybody. Our pitching is the laughingstock of the league. Really, it's downright atrocious. I've seen better stuff in the Special Olympics. But at least now we'll suck in style.

Q: I'm shocked by this. The Vinnies Pizzeria logo is perhaps the pre-eminent symbol in all of fake sports. Through our country's tough times, for over a century, the VP pinstripes have stood for something truly great. You're tossing that heritage in the garbage to sell some shirts?

Aiello: Well, we're also trying to sell hats. But thanks, Peter, I appreciate those sentiments, and I'm well aware of the team's standing in our shared mythology. That's why we will continue to wear the old uniforms for Sunday afternoon games, on a bi-weekly basis, discounting nationally televised games.

With that, the General Manager left the podium, slipped into a new VP jersey, and proceeded directly to a tickertape parade being held in his honor. Mike Miller closed the ceremony by invoking ownersip's hope that the new logo "won't only distract our fans from the lowly state of our pitching staff, but will also do a great deal to avert their attention from our lack of situational hitting, our Bad News Bears style defense, and the relative unattractiveness of our team wives."

Thus ended a truly momentous day in the annals of fake baseball.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our Special Report, when fake baseball historian Thaddeus T. Copperpot traces the storied history of the Vinnies Pizzeria franchise and discusses the iconic nature of its beloved and suddenly replaced classic logo:

Hit Put Out on Madson

Vinnies Pizzeria general manager Josh Aiello met last night at 3am to "discuss a little business" with associates of the DeCicco crime syndicate, according to assistant GM Jim Marchese. During Marchese's weekly Friday morning press conference, the AGM deflected most questions concerning the meeting's specific details, but allowed for the fact that it took place somewhere on Staten Island. Moles in the DeCicco Family, however, confirmed that Aiello met with Jimmy Fruitcake, Frank Knuckles, and Carmine the Slouch, and that the conversation involved a certain relief pitcher, as well as Aiello's outstanding vig.

When approached for comment, Aiello refused to talk with reporters, and was walking with a distinct limp. However, wiretaps obtained by Fake Baseball Team researchers corroborate the placing of a hit on reliever Ryan Madson, the man responsible for blowing Vinnies Pizzeria phenom Cole Hamels' first two starts. Hamels, long touted as the second coming of Curt Schilling, finally made his first fake start last week, only to have Madson come in and surrender the lead. In a cruel twist of fate, the scenario repeated itself yesterday, as Hamels once again left the game only to have Madson squander his efforts.

"One time, ok, maybe it's a fluke. But twice...this certainly raises eyebrows," explained Marchese, "I don't want to talk out of turn, but it seems Madson may have flipped." As for the pitcher, Madson did not speak to the press following his latest meltdown, but arrived at the ballpark early this morning to discover a dead fish wrapped in a baseball mitt waiting in his locker. "I dunno nuthin' about that," croaked clubhouse attendant Mike Tully when questioned.

Though Madsen's current whereabouts are unknown, Vinnies Pizzeria sources believe he has disappeared into the fake baseball protection program, otherwise known as the HJ Heinz lineup. His agent, Kyle Bernstein, claims to have not spoken with the pitcher since last night, but downplays rumors of a hit. "Isn't Aiello only half-Italian? I mean, come on."

Wednesday Chat with Hank Blalock

This week, Dave Gilmartin catches up with new Premature Grays third baseman Hank Blalock.



FBT: Hank, thanks for taking the time to talk with us. I know it's been a hectic week.

HB: My pleasure, Dave. Yeah, it's been a little crazy.

FBT: For anyone who's been living under a rock, you were traded from Vinnies Pizzeria for starting pitcher Barry Zito. What, is it 2002 again?

HB: [laughing] I know, Dave, it was quite a shock. I could see being traded for a Roy Oswalt or a Pedro Martinez...but Barry Zito? When I heard the news, I thought [Vinnies Pizzeria GM] Josh was pulling my leg, or playing some kind of Purim prank on me or something. But I guess that's what happens when you forget to draft pitching.

FBT: Is it Purim season already?

HB: I have no idea what I'm talking about.

FBT: Oh, it's a lovely tradition celebrating the Jewish people's salvation from the evil forces of Persia.

HB: Huh.

[awkward silence]

FBT: All right, Hank. Let's crunch some numbers: 8 HRs, 33 RBIs, .345 BA, and a .414 OBP...not a bad couple of weeks.

HB: Yeah, I've been swinging a hot bat lately.

FBT: Last night, you went 3 for 4, with a Grand Slam thrown in for good measure. In a related story, Josh Aiello got ten minutes of sleep.

HB: I'm seeing the ball real well right now.

FBT: You seem to have made a seamless transition to your new surroundings.

HB: Well, it's tough going from a bad team to an even worse one --

FBT: -- much worse.

HB: Right, much worse. But we've got a young group of guys here, and we've got a chance to do something special if all the pieces fall into place.

FBT: Vinnies Pizzeria is known to operate under a very hands-on managerial philosophy, while The Premature Grays are a loose knit, almost rudderless bunch. It's almost as if Grays GM Chris Naughton has a life outside of fake baseball...have you felt the effects of this during your short tenure with the Grays?

HB: Oh, certainly. When you play for Vinnies Pizzeria, you're part of a long winning tradition and are held to a certain standard. It wasn't unusual for the owner to call at 4am, or for the general manager to trail my wife through a grocery store, keeping tabs on my diet. It can get inside your head if you let it, but that's why they're the defending champions.

FBT: And the Grays?

HB: It's night and day. As far as I can tell, management checks the lineup once in a while, but is otherwise off feeding a baby or something...I really have no idea.

FBT: One last question, Hank: How hard has it been making the transition from New York City, to Hoboken, NJ to play for the Grays?

HB: Hoboken's great, Dave. After four days of wandering around aimlessly, I finally found a place to get pizza, and rumor has it an ATM machine actually exists somewhere within the city limits. Once I figure that out, I should be all set. Except for the Guidos, obviously.

FBT: Hey, at least it's not Washington, DC, right?

HB: Exactly.

Aiello To Suit Up

Reports coming out of New York indicate that Vinnies Pizzeria general manager Josh Aiello has made the unorthodox decision to start pitching for his fake baseball squad. If so, he will become the first fake player-manager since Connecticut landscaper Jon Clark played 3 games at catcher for The Green Thumbs in 1989. Though Aiello declined invitations to speak with the press, team sources indicate that the move comes as a direct response to Vinnies Pizzeria having plummeted from 97 to 76 points in the span of three days. "That's pretty tough to do," confirms assistant GM Mike Miller, "for a team to take that kind of a dive, it needs to not be firing on all cylinders. Our pitching, our hitting, our fielding, even our team plane...nothing's working. How much worse can Josh be?"

How much worse indeed. With the team stumbling around the diamond like a Dawn of the Dead open casting call, a 31 year old, out of shape starting pitcher should be just what the doctor ordered. Opposing scouts have yet to get a good long look at Aiello, but his repertoire is thought to consist of a fastball that tops out around 27 miles per hour, with some sort of underhanded, softball-style floater mixed in to fool batters. Aiello recently petitioned the league to shorten the distance between the pitcher's mound and home plate from the customary 60' 6" to a more convenient 30', but the request was denied.

When not pitching, Aiello will split time between first base, left field, the concession area, and, most likely, the disabled list.

To make room on the roster, starting pitcher Tyler Bucholz was optioned to the Super Shop-Rite in Manahawkin, NJ, where he plans to begin a new career stocking produce.

Greg Maddux Put Down

After suffering a terrible breakdown on the mound last night to the tune of 7 earned runs over 3.2 innings (that’s a 17.18 ERA if you’re counting), Vinnies Pizzeria starting pitcher Greg Maddux was put down by team trainers, who called the decision tough but necessary. Maddux, perhaps the premiere right handed pitcher of his generation, started the year strong, sprinting out of the gate to his first career 5-0 start before coming up lame over the past month. The Fake Baseball Players Association opposed the move, with union head Jim Marchese urging team doctors to simply patch Maddux’s wounds and let the great champion out to pasture. “We believe a pitcher of Greg Maddux’s majesty deserves to live out the remainder of his days playing golf, attending card shows, and screwing the occasional groupie,” Marchese said in a written statement. “He’s more than earned that.”

Vinnies Pizzeria head trainer Nehal Aiello disagreed, however, calling the decision to put Maddux down “the most humane and empathetic option, both for the pitcher, his family, and most importantly the tortured fans of the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball club. Let’s remember Greg the way he was, not as the gimpy, unreliable catastrophe he has become.” As is befitting one of the great kings of his sport, Maddux will be stuffed, mounted and placed on permanent display in the Legends Wing of the Fake Baseball Hall of Fame, located in Secaucus, NJ.

West Coast Swing

Metallic Pea General Manager Patrick O'Grady will be making an unexpected West Coast trip to address issues with his ball team. Although none of his players are facing West Coast opponents, O'Grady thought the Santa Ana winds might help clear his mind and help him focus on the devastating problems that plague his team.

"The plan is to get out to the desert for a few days, and commune with my spirit guide, Billy Martin," O'Grady said. "Maybe the great '1' will give me some insight to fixing my awful, awful team."

This is the latest plan in an effort to revive the Metallic Pea franchise. Hopefully it will be more effective than last week's debacle. A faith healer was arrested for breaking into the Yankees clubhouse and "laying hands" on the bats of Hideki Matsui and Alex Rodriguez. O'Grady has adamantly denied all ties to the healer.

Mazel Tov!

With his team floundering in the standings, Vinnies Pizzeria General Manager Josh Aiello decided to start thinking old school. As in: Old Testament. "I took a long hard look at the team," Aiello explained, "and realized that what we really needed, besides pitchers who can throw a strike once in a while, was a stronger Jewish presence." Aiello, himself Jewish, describes the moment of inspiration as if coming from a burning bush or similar metaphoric representation of the Lord God. "I'm not a particularly religious man," added Aiello while munching on an Italian hoagie during the fourth night of Passover, "but in our darkest hours we tend to look inward. And if you've seen the standings recently, you know the hour was indeed dark."

Newly inspired and commited to his faith, Aiello began researching free agents in a manner strictly at odds with his usual sabermetric leanings. "Normally, I consider myself a numbers man. I identify the team's needs, then sort through the available players according to strict mathematical criteria. This time, I was only interested in foreskin." As even the most casual fake baseball fan knows, Hebraic talent is usually confined to the field of player representation, as opposed to actual field play. However, in an extraordinary moment of kismet, Aiello's pilgrimage to the free agent pool uncovered outfielder/nice Jewish boy Shawn Green [shown above entering synagogue for Rosh Hashonah services], who had been wandering the waiver wire for 40 days and 40 nights before being delivered to the Vinnies Pizzeria outfield.

Green, who described his new opportunity as "a mitzvah," responded immediately, hitting .481 with a .533 on base percentage, 1 home run, 2 stolen bases, 6 runs scored, and only 1 strikeout in his first week with the team. In his very first at bat after making the exodus from AAA Reno, Green showed some real chutzpah, shmearing a line drive to the left field gap for a double. As is his custom, the player immediately took a moment to kiss his Star of David pendant before raising two fingers to the heavens and mouthing "Praise Adonai." "He's a real mench!" exclaimed Aiello from the owner's box, which had been converted to kosher for the occasion. Since being Chosen to play outfield for the defending champs, Green has blossomed into such a feared slugger that opposing pitchers have been observed shvitzing on the mound whenever he comes to the plate.

After the first game, in between gulps of Manishevitz, the GM and his new star player entertained the press corps with a spirited rendition of Havah Negilah while relief pitcher and noted anti-Semite Bobby Jenks watched suspiciously from across the clubhouse. "It might be a challenge, getting the guys to play together," admitted manager Skip Aiello, "but hopefully this will prove to be an opportunity to grow, and an opportunity to win." As if on cue, Green immediately loaned shortstop Jose Reyes cab fare home, shattering the younger player's belief that Jews were tight-fisted when it comes to money. Of course, Green promised to collect the debt with "a pound of flesh" if necessary, but nobody said this process was going to be easy.

As Vinnnies Pizzeria continues its steady climb up the standings, Aiello has entered into negotiations to aquire catcher Mike Lieberthal, along with "any other players who might possibly be Jewish."

Performance Bonuses Pay Immediate Dividends

Puzzled by his team's lackluster play over the past month, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello convened an emergency meeting of his brain trust in Tampa last weekend, with the objective being to right what had become a rapidly sinking ship. Details of the meeting remained sketchy until VP Assistant GM Mike Miller's Tuesday afternoon podcast, when it was revealed that the team had implemented a complex system of bonus gifts intended to excite and motivate its players. "Apparently, being paid obscene amounts of money to stand around on a baseball field for a few hours a day isn't motivation enough to today's players," explained Miller, "so we had to get creative."

Informed of the new bonuses before last night's game, the players responded immediately, to the tune of gaining an incredible 9 points in the standings. "The guys really came out to play last night," continued Miller, "it was clear, during our team meeting, that Shawn Green in particular was really fired up by the prospect of winning a weekend for two in Atlantic City, NJ, which will be awarded to the player with the team's highest batting average." Fired up, indeed, as the outfielder went 4 for 4, with a home run, stolen base, and two runs scored. "I've always wanted to spend two days in New Jersey," exclaimed Green after the game, while dousing himself in champagne.

Not to be outdone, utility man Travis Hafner went 2 for 3, smacking a home run and driving in 4, which puts him in a tie with DH Jim Thome for team RBI leader, with 24 each. "I know Big Jim has his eye on those steak knives," said Hafner, referring to the bonus prize for most RBIs, "but I intend to take them home with me."

Unfortunately, the bonus scheme was not a complete success, as not even a free 6-month subscription to Entertainment Weekly was enough to motive Jose Reyes to actually get on base. "I guess Jose just doesn't want those magazines," huffed bench coach Carlos Aiello as the shortstop sulked his way back to the dugout for the 4th time in a row.

Around the League

Fake Baseball Team analyst Barry Madrid breaks down the first month of the season.


Who would have thought, going into the 2006 fake baseball season, that the Middlesex Teabaggers were anything more than a funny name? Even with three front-of-the-rotation starters currently on the DL, the Teabaggers have made a mockery of the rest of the league. In fact, GM Dave Sadell is so confident in his squad that he didn't even bother attempting to replace injured 2B Brian Roberts. "With the possible exception of the Huxtables, who are at least making the season somewhat interesting, I can't believe how atrocious the other teams are," said Sadell before lighting up a cigar with a $500 bill. "It's almost like they're trying to lose." The Teabaggers are so potent that they are considered a lock to win their first ever world championship once their pitchers come off the DL. "Dave is usually content to finish in the middle of the pack," noted Michael Long GM Jim Bremner, "I don't know what's gotten into him this year."

At the other end of the spectrum, HJ Heinz, The Premature Greys, and Metallic Pea spent most of the first month vying for last place. While all are very, very bad fake baseball teams, HJ Heinz holds the distinction of going a full month without recording a Save, believed to be the first time this has happened in the computerized fake baseball era. Not content to rest on his laurels, HJ Heinz GM Matt Naughton has vowed not to hit another homerun before the All Star break.

In what counts as intrigue at the bottom of the standings, this weekend's blockbuster trade between HJ Heinz and The Premature Greys raised eyebrows when acting league commisioner Chris Naughton (also GM of the Greys) passed off possibly injured OF Gary Sheffield and 2B Marcus Giles, who leads the league in beady eyeballs and little else, for the relatively solid combo of OF Johnny Damon and SP Barry Zito. "I find it interesting that the commissioner of our league has the ability and the audacity to pull off such a move. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got wild game to hunt," huffed Metallic Pea owner Horatio Allensworth O'Grady when reached for commment. Attempting to stifle criticism, Naughton reiterated that his duties as commissioner are in no way related to or affected by his connection to the Greys. "The Premature Greys fake baseball club is owned and operated by the Naughton Tribune Company, a family trust in which I hold no managerial position. This is all a part of public record," said Naughton in response to criticism. Still, it's no secret that HJ Heinz was awarded the 2008 Fake Baseball All-Star Game on the eve of the big trade.

It's been a month of mediocrity for the defending champion Vinnies Pizzeria, whose OF is in such disarray that Jason Repko currently starts alongside Shawn Green. "My mom really likes the fact that Green doesn't play on Yom Kipper," says GM Josh Aiello, "but he can eat a ham sandwich in Temple for all I care if he'd just start hitting the ball." Though it's too early to count VP out of the race, Aiello might need to content himself with having made an outrageous 21 roster moves in the first month, a minor point of pride made necessary by his horrible performance on draft day. "When I look at the Middlesex Teabaggers lineup, it's like reading a Dear John letter," noted the GM in between sniffles.

Of course, anything can still happen with 5 months remaining in the fake baseball season...