My Fantasy Life is a Rollercoaster

Went to bed last night up 2 points, woke up this morning down .5. Whoa is me and my slowly sinking fake baseball squad. Where have you gone, Jim Thome? Why has your hamstring forsaken me?

Papelbon Apparently Off The Juice

After a storybook beginning to his major league fake baseball career, Vinnies Pizzeria closer Jonathan Papelbon has hit the skids, prompting league-wide speculation that the young hurler is off the juice. "I've heard the rumors, believe me," says GM Josh Aiello, "and we're on it. I've been down in the basement till 3 am every night this week, and trust me when I tell you I'm on the cusp of a major illicit pharmaceutical breakthrough." If true, the development will come just in time, as the team appears stuck in a statistical nosedive of dotcom stock proportions.

"We need all the help we can get, a secret weapon," confirms head trainer Nehal Aiello. "From what I've seen of Josh's homemade chemistry set, Papelbon should be able strike out the side, hop on a bike, and win the Tour De France after we start shooting him up with this stuff. Our GM is a real visionary."

Of course, there is always the possibility that the serum will fail. In fact, the whole effort has raised eyebrows around the league. "Please, this is the same guy who hung on to Eric Byrnes like he was a liferaft on the Titanic. Now he's in the lab, working on a super steroid? I'll believe it when I see it." The sentiment, from rival GM Bill Griffith, was echoed around the league. Aiello, however, could only scoff. "They'll believe it when my magnificent creation lives!!!" shouted the wild-haired GM before retreating to the dank musty confines of his basement laboratory.

An Apology to My Faithful Readers (Both of You)

It's been forever, I know. I keep meaning to post, but then I don't. Here are some excuses:

1. Unbelievable laziness.
2. The goddamn unrelenting heat wave.
3. Trying to be productive (job hunting, etc.) instead of blogging.
4. My fantasy team is just so unspeakably awesome it's hard to think of jokes about it.
5. Netflix
6. I've been drunk for much of the past month.
7. Three months and still no book deal? What's the point?
8. Considered doing a pictorial history of the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball club, then realized this would constitute some pathetic line in the sand from which there would be no return.

Okay, this isn't funny at all. That's why I haven't been writing. I've got nothing. Nothing except a second place fantasy team, that is.

Thome, Smoke, Mirrors Lead Vinnies Pizzeria to First Place

Mark July 16 as the day Josh Aiello sewed up year-end General Manager of the Year honors. While there's plenty of fake baseball yet to be played, the fact that a squad which regularly features both David DeJesus and Eric Byrnes stands alone in first place at this point in the season is truly a miraculous development. Not to mention that the team's 3 most potent bats, Jim Thome, Travis Hafner, and Alex Rios, barely played at all over the past month (Rios due to injury, Thome and Hafner thanks to dreaded interleague play). The success of this year's team may mark the crowning achievement of a GM long thought to be a fake baseball savant.

"Aiello had a terrible draft, traded away his two best hitters, routinely gives up on players way too early, and yet here we are," laments Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, "I feel like a boy playing against men."

"It's almost like he's toying with us," adds Patrick O'Grady, GM of hapless Metallic Pea, "You look down his lineup and couldn't be less impressed. It's like a beer league softball team. But the numbers don't lie. I have no idea how he's doing it."

Adding further evidence of O'Grady's assertions, one currently hot rumor has Aiello inquiring into the services of Kansas City Royals closer Mike MacDougal, a move that, were it to come too fruition, would prove too much for some of Aiello's peers. "Oh, the hubris of such a movie would be unprecedented," notes Chris Naughton of the Pathetic, er, Premature Grays, "if Aiello can succesfully put MacDougal to good use, we will certainly be in the company of some great fake baseball deity. It's too much."

Lest anyone doubt the outrageousness of Vinnies Pizzeria's place atop the standings, behold the team's fake lineup as currently constructed:

C: Paul LoDuca
1B: Jim Thome
2B: Chase Utley
SS: Jose Reyes
3B: Joe Crede
IF: Ronnie Belliard
OF: Chone Figgins
OF: Eric Byrnes
OF: Marcus Thames
OF: David DeJesus
UT: Travis Hafner

SP: Carlos Zambrano
SP: Barry Zito
SP: Justin Verlander
SP: Dave Bush
SP: Andy Pettitte
SP: John Lester
SP: Chris Young
RP: Jonathan Papelbon
RP: Chad Cordero
RP: Akinori Otsuka
RP: Joel Zumaya
RP: Matt Thornton

Thank God The All-Star Break Is Over

I actually caught myself reading a book last night. Sheesh.

Vinnies Pizzeria Introduces Eighth Second Baseman Of Season

Ronnie Belliard will make his fake debut tonight following last weekend's unceremonious dismissal of both David Eckstein and Aaron Hill, themselves merely the latest castoffs in what has become a biweekly event: the changing of the Vinnies Pizzeria infielders. Known mostly for his terrible, terrible hair and somewhat passable batting average, Belliard brings a veteren's perspective to the young VP infield. Experts predict he will spend approximately 3 weeks with the club before being sent back to the scrap heap, forgotten until next season's panic mode sets in.

With the team's batting average in full decline, Belliard's relatively high RBI numbers are merely the icing on his sideways slanted cap. "I'd like to see someone come in here who doesn't suck immediately upon putting on the Vinnies Pizzeria uniform," commented manager Skip Aiello when informed of the latest acquisition. Due to the position's high turnaround rate, it is not believed that Belliard's name or number will be displayed on either his locker or batting helmets, which will instead feature the simple designation "Infielder." Likewise, Belliard will be forced to share a jersey with Barry, VP's longtime special needs batboy. "Hey, it's all part of the game," says Belliard. "I'm just happy not to be playing in Philadelphia."

Vinnies Pizzeria Leads the League in Boredom

Though currently entrenched in a respectable 3rd place, Vinnies Pizzeria officials confessed yesterday that the team bores them to tears. "We've put together an incredibly balanced team. We hit for power. We steal bases. We score a ton of runs. Our bullpen's great. Lately, our starting pitchers have even begun winning once in a while. Managing this team is like eating a mayonnaise on white bread sandwich. Boring." Thus said general manager Josh Aiello when roused from his customary 7-inning nap. And a closer look at the numbers back him up.

While not a spectacular fake team, this year's lineup is overwhelmingly competent. In fact, the only serious flaw is that the team does not hit for average, a predicament any fake manager can attest to being the most yawn inducing challenge to confront. "Who wants to trade for batting average?" concurs Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, himself a stolen base man. "Not only does it lack sex appeal of any kind, it's virtually impossible to raise a terrible team average by adding one or two hitters. You might as well just cross that category off the list and move on."

Which appears to be what Vinnies Pizzeria is doing, if the fact that they continue playing Chase Utley every night can be viewed as any indication. The posterboy for exciting fake play, Utley has hit just .227 over the past month, including a 3 for 19 skid last week. Yet he remains one of the team's most popular players. "Chase does virtually everything well," agrees Aiello, "besides hitting for average or washing his hair. But nobody's perfect."

With the fake halway point rapidly approaching, the team feels it has at least 4 or 5 weeks left to sit around hoping the competition just falls apart. "It's either that, or go to the beach or something," yawns Aiello, "which couldn't possibly sound like a worse idea."

Eckstein Enjoying His Vacation

With his team in the thick of the pennant race, Vinnies Pizzeria shortstop David Eckstein figured this would be the perfect time to take his annual family vacation. As a fake baseball veteran, Eckstein is afforded two weeks paid time off, and while most choose to travel during the slower months of February and March, the scrappy fake shortstop decided to take advantage of the beautiful springtime weather.

Far from a fake baseball superstar, most observers were surprised when Eckstein won a spot with the defending World Champions. "This is the kind of signing you make when you're dead last in batting average," explained GM Josh Aiello at the time of Eckstein's acquisition. "Hopefully, it will only be a matter of time before we waive him outright."

Most players would be inspired by such a display of confidence, but not Eckstein. "I was floored when he informed me of his vacation plans," says Manager Skip Aiello. "Here's a guy who's just lucky to be playing fake baseball. We grab him off the scrap heap, give him a starting job with the world champs, and this is the thanks we get? I hope he and his .323 batting average have a great time in Tahiti."

In order to facilitate his trip, Eckstein first crafted a convoluted sob story involving some sort of fake concussion. "Yeah, his head hurts, so he can't play," scoffs clubhouse attendant Adam Mutterperl, "and I've got rickets." When reached for comment, Eckstein looked up from his icy rum and coconut cocktail and rubbed his left temple. "Oh yeah, the head...it's feeling a little better now. The rest has been good." When reminded that the injury was to his right side, the shortstop looked taken aback before offering this clarification: "My doctor tells me that concussions can drift...yesterday, it was in my ankle."

Pettitte Ready After Two Month Benching

Vinnies Pizzeria lefthander Andy Pettitte appears ready to rejoin the fake rotation after two months spent riding the pine. Though still sporting a laughable 5.46 ERA, Pettitte's last couple of starts have shown a marked improvement, at least for a pitcher who has appeared to be suffering from an advanced case of Parkinsons for much of the season. The first pitcher selected by Vinnies Pizzeria in this year's supplemental fake draft, Pettitte was considered the ace of a mostly untested rotation. Explains assitant GM Mike Tully, "We knew our starting pitching was a weakness, and were counting on Andy to set an example for the other players. He was the key component of our offense-heavy draft strategy."

Instead, Pettitte proceeded to pitch like an armless man for much of April and May, landing squarely on the bench after his third consecutive dismal outing. "We thought Andy could do more to help our team by sitting in the dugoug, handing out towels to sweaty players, and running to the store for sunflower seeds when necessary," says manager Skip Aiello. "Andy's a real team player, always ready with a cup of water or tirelessly scrubbing our dirty uniforms," adds Jim Thome, who particularly enjoyed Pettitte's "deep, penetrating back rubs."

All good things must come to an end, however. When Pettitte rejoins the rotation next week, he will find himself, at best, the team's number 5 starter, part of a revamped staff that includes Carlos Zambrano, Barry Zito, Justin Verlander, and Chris Young. The hope is that dimished expectations will result in better performance. Barring that, there are always towels that need folding in the team shower.

Many fake experts believe this is Pettitte's last chance to catch on with a big league club. He is out of minor league options, and GM of the Year candidate Josh Aiello doubts whether small market teams like Metallic Pea or HJ Heinz could be hoodwinked into taking on damaged goods. "If Andy falters, it's safe to assume that we'll need to explore some creative alternatives. He could always find work with a fake team in Japan, and I hear the FOX Network is casting their next Man vs. Beast special. That might be perfect for him, assuming the Beast is actually a three-legged dog or blind deer or something."

Byrnes Checked for Vital Signs

For two months, outfielder Eric Byrnes has provided much needed spark to the second place Vinnies Pizzeria offense, becoming a quick favorite both of management and the Vinnies Pizzeria faithful. Brought in by GM Josh Aiello to provide some depth to the bench, Brynes quickly established himself as an everyday player, thanks to his all-out approach to the game and to former teammate Jeff Francouer's insistince on swinging at every pitch thrown his way, including those arriving on a bounce.

Byrnes' fiesty, aggressive fake play has cemented his reputation among Vinnies Pizzeria's blue collar fan base, and his jersey is far and away the team's best seller. "He plays like his pants are on fire," raves manager Skip Aiello, "I haven't seen this much hustle since Andy Pettitte got pelted with tomatoes from the upper deck." Byrnes' offensive resurgence could not have come at a more opportune time. With supposed sparkplugs Jose Reyes and Chone Figgins playing like a thalidomide baby and a quadruple amputee respectively, Vinnies Pizzeria direly needed someone to step up. Add to that the departures of Carl Crawford and Carlos Lee (in the blockbuster Carlos Zambrano trade), and the team is likely nowhere near second place without Byrnes.

However, after a week that saw him hit .067 and score a single run, team doctors grew concerned over the outfielder's health and his status as a currently living individual. Head trainer Nehal Aiello, in particular, found Byrnes' performance to be cause for alarm. "I took a close look at Eric's chart and determined that either the numbers were incorrect, or that he had passed away sometime in the last 8 days." When assured that the outfielder had indeed gone 1 for 15 over the stretch, Aiello ordered a full examination. "I must admit I'm puzzled by the results," confessed Aiello afterwards, "The player appears to have a pulse, his body temperature is in keeping with that maintained by fully living human organisms, he reacted with consternation to all manner of prods and pokes...and yet, the numbers just don't add up." With that, Aiello readied a pair of defibrillators, vowing that "these ought to do the trick."

Barring catastrophe, Byrnes should be back in the lineup tomorrow night.

Carlos Zambrano Day

In a jubilant press conference held this morning at city hall, mayor Mike Bloomberg announced to a capacity crowd that June 5 would "forevermore be known as Carlos Zambrano Day in the great city of New York." With that, the mayor presented Zambrano with keys to the city, a lifetime pass to Scores, and a framed certificate marking the occasion. Speaking through an interpretor and wiping tears from his eyes, Zambrano thanked the people of New York for accepting him with open arms, and vowed to "crush the Boro Boys and make them rue the day they ever traded Carlos Zambrano. Viva Zambrano!" With that, the starting pitcher pounded his chest and raised one finger to the sky, thanking his "personal savior and #1 fan, Jesus Christ."

When reached for comment, Jesus remarked "I'm a big, big fan of Carlos Zambrano and was excited to see him pitching for Vinnies Pizzeria, My favorite fake baseball club. I will continue making his pitches break just off the plate, and vow to wreak terrible havoc on those batters whom dare to defy him."

"It was only three weeks ago when we found ourselves lost in the wilderness, left for dead, struggling to salvage what had become a truly nightmarish fake baseball campaign," intoned Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello from the deck of his Zambrano Day Parade float, "Then we traded for Carlos and everything changed. We're in second place and closing fast, we've got swagger, we've got our heads up, my wife's sleeping with me again...things haven't been this good since we began slipping steroids into Jim Thome's Gatorade. Wait, don't print that."

Blalock Leads Grays to Last Place, Pines for Former Team

Noted second half choke artist Hank Blalock has begun his annual statistical plunge a bit early this year, hitting a paltry .174 during his first week as The Premature Grays' starting third baseman. The Grays, who lead the league in injured players, are reeling despite recently pulling off what appeared to be a series of brilliant trades (most notably the absolute heist of Michael Young for Mariano Rivera).

Blalock, in particular, appears to be having a rough time adapting to his new surroundings. He's been swinging wildly at any pitch thrown his way, missed Tuesday night's game after getting disoriented on the PATH train, and has burst into tears several times while sitting in his customary, far-off seat in a lonely corner of the dugout. Most telling, perhaps, was an incident from Wednesdays night's contest: Blalock, while playing third base, appeared to fall into a whistful reverie as news of his former team's (Vinnies Pizzeria) latest victory was posted on the out of town scoreboard. Blalock wandered through the outfield as if in a trance, not blinking, until he reached the scoreboard, whereupon the big third baseman proceeded to stroke the incandescent Vinnies Pizzeria "V" as if it were his long lost childhood puppy.

"I've never seen anything like it in all my years of fake baseball," observed Jimmy Rollins, who took advantage of Blalock's absence by stealing third. "But the way I'm playing, I'll take it."

Blalock was escorted from the field and helped onto a wooden stool beside his locker. Unable to speak for several minutes, he eventually began mumbling to no one in particular: "I really miss those guys...I can't sleep...I can't eat...It's like my whole world is empty...I don't know why I get out of bed in the morning...Everything was so good...So good..."

When reached for comment, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello had this to say: "Hank Blalock's contributions to the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball squad can not be underestimated. He's a real winner, even though he's now in last place, where he'll no doubt remain. This game is a business, and as much as we valued Hank as a person and as a player, the opportunity to acquire a pitcher of Barry Zito's caliber for a run of the mill third baseman was simply too good to pass up. Now if you'll excuse me, Barry and I are late for brunch. Tell Hank he can pick up his things from my apartment whenever he likes."

"Screw the budget, we're buying an airplane."

So said Vinnies Pizzeria owner Stanforth H. Aiello III after disembarking from the team's non-charter Amtrak train from Washington, DC, to New York earlier this afternoon. "I'd rather go bankrupt than spend another five seconds among the detestable hoi polloi," added Aiello before hitting the Yale Club to soothe his frayed nerves at the bar.

Train and bus trips to out of town games are but part of an extensive across-the-board effort recently instituted to help slash escalating team operating expenses. In addition to such lowly methods of travel, Vinnies Pizzeria currently shares a single batting helmet, employs a stray raccoon as its mascot, and enforces a strict Bring Your Own Gatorade policy in the dugout, all of which, while unpopular, pale in comparison to the team's "No Pitching In '06" promotion.

Today's train ride, however, appears to represent the last straw. Aiello does not normally make a practice of accompanying his team on the road, but made an exception for the weekend set in DC, where he served as Grand Marshal of the Memorial Day parade and cut the ceremonial ribbon on the city's twelve billionth Cosi. As if the Deep South's unrelenting heat and thorough lack of shade hadn't been bad enough, the team was informed by train conductors that, due to overcrowding, there would be no Quiet Car reserved for the ride to New York. As if by intelligent design, this pronouncement was accompanied by the sight of six middle-aged women bounding into the compartment as if they'd never been out of the house before.

"I knew we were in trouble when they asked if Bloody Marys were available in the club car," reported second baseman Chase Utley, "This was at 8 am." Players proceeded to squirm uncomfortably as the gaggle of ill-bred passengers proceeded to giggle, guffah, and "You Go, Girl" each other all the way to Baltimore, whereupon a visibly peeved Jim Thome noted, "I know I'm just a boring old white guy, but this is ridiculous." Things got worse from there, as the loudly dressed and coiffed herd responded to news that the Quiet Car had been eliminated as if parading the streets at Mardi Gras. "I didn't know whether to throw beads or toss them off the moving train," snapped outfielder Shawn Green, flustered by his inability to peacefully peruse the Torah.

Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello spent much of the trip glaring at the rowdy interlopers from the safety of his seat in the adjacent row. "I'm wearing headphones designed to block out the noise of a 747," fumed Aiello, "and they're not putting a dent in this goddamn racket." When the women then proceeded to watch a dvd AT FULL VOLUME, catcher Paul LoDuca approached the women and politely asked that they please keep the noise down, a request that was met with "If you don't like how we actin', you up and move your seat" and much cackling.

The offending party finally disembarked at Philadelphia, inspring a hearty round of applause from the remaining passengers, none of whom could recall the last time they'd been so happy to see Philadelphia.

In addition to the new airplane, Stanforth Aiello plans to petition his friends in Congress to build some sort of wall around DC as soon as they finish the one in Mexico.

Crawford Under Investigation

League sources confirm that Boro Boys outfielder Carl Crawford is under investigation for throwing games while a member of the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball club. Deputy commissioner Adam Mutterperl spoke briefly with representatives from each team this morning, and was careful to stress that, while Crawford will be allowed to continue playing throughout the investigation, the league takes such matters in utmost seriousness. To that end, Commissioner Chris Naughton has already appointed an idependent investigation led by retired senator Bill Bradley (D-NJ) to explore the allegations. "This is a grave day for fake baseball," intoned Naughton from the beer pong room of his Jersey Shore summer share.

The controversy stems from Crawford's performance immediately following his blockbuster trade to the Boro Boys. In his very first game, the outfielder put up the greatest fake baseball performance in recent memory:

5 for 5, 1 HR, 2 RBI, 4 SB

The performance did not go unnoticed by Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello, who closely monitored the game during Lost season finale commercial breaks. "This is an utter travesty," fumed Aiello when reached by telephone, "I haven't been this dismayed since we learned that the hatch was being monitored by two Russian dudes in the Arctic Circle. Or something."

The numbers seem to bear Aiello out, as Crawford was nothing but a disappointment after being drafted by Vinnies Pizzeria in the first round. "The dude hits one home run in two months, then hits another and steals 4 bases the day after being traded? C'mon, I didn't start playing fake baseball yesterday," continued Aiello.

Crawford's outrageous reversal of fortune also caught the Commissioner's attention. A noted hardliner and traditional interpretor of fake baseball customs, bylaws, history, and tradition, Naughton views the situation with utmost gravity. "This could very well prove to be the Black Sox scandal of our times," claimed Naughton before quickly and sensitively adding, "I'm sorry: African-American Sox scandal."

It is not yet clear what parties might have persuaded Crawford to throw games, but all eyes must be on Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith, who is known to have major connections to the Mandalay Bay sports book in Las Vegas.

Developing...

Will Someone Please Push Charlie Manuel Under the 7 Train Today?

That's it. No jokes today. I'm too disgusted.


PS. If I were feeling up to the task of writing a real post, it would no doubt involve Chris Naughton pulling off what might be the best trade I've seen in 5 years of fake baseball. Kudos.

Vinnies Pizzeria Unveils New Logo

With its team floundering in the standings and fans fleeing the stadium like the Jews from Egypt, Vinnies Pizzeria today unveiled its new logo and uniform design. "This is a great and important day for the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball franchise, our players, our fans, our ball girls, and indeed everyone in the extended Vinnies Pizzeria family," intoned team spokesman Mike Miller from his familiar spot at the press podium, "This is truly a momentous occasion, and one which we hope helps divert some attention from the slowly sinking ship that is our miserable fake baseball team."

With that, Miller removed a bannner covering the new logo to cheers and ahhhs from the normally morose press corps, several of whom fainted before the great and terrible beauty of the new design:



After the room had collected itself, Miller ceded the stage to General Manager Josh Aiello, who gave some insight into the new logo: "It became apparent to us that this was going to be a particularly long and painful fake baseball season. What with Jose Reyes flopping around the plate like an invertebrate and Andy Pettitte leading the league in squandered potential, a return to championship form is unfortunately not in the cards. However, this is a business, as we all know. A fake business, but a business nonetheless. It seemed like time for a change, to get our fans excited again."

The GM then took several questions from the press:

Q: How long has the new design been in development?

Aiello: Great question. I must have spent at least 45 minutes on Photoshop for this thing.

Q: Isn't this merely a transparent ruse intended to force your fans into purchasing new merchandise?

Aiello: You bet it is. And don't forget the alternate Wednesday night black jerseys. Those are a must-have.

Q: How will this improve the team's pitching?

Aiello: Listen, I'm not trying to kid anybody. Our pitching is the laughingstock of the league. Really, it's downright atrocious. I've seen better stuff in the Special Olympics. But at least now we'll suck in style.

Q: I'm shocked by this. The Vinnies Pizzeria logo is perhaps the pre-eminent symbol in all of fake sports. Through our country's tough times, for over a century, the VP pinstripes have stood for something truly great. You're tossing that heritage in the garbage to sell some shirts?

Aiello: Well, we're also trying to sell hats. But thanks, Peter, I appreciate those sentiments, and I'm well aware of the team's standing in our shared mythology. That's why we will continue to wear the old uniforms for Sunday afternoon games, on a bi-weekly basis, discounting nationally televised games.

With that, the General Manager left the podium, slipped into a new VP jersey, and proceeded directly to a tickertape parade being held in his honor. Mike Miller closed the ceremony by invoking ownersip's hope that the new logo "won't only distract our fans from the lowly state of our pitching staff, but will also do a great deal to avert their attention from our lack of situational hitting, our Bad News Bears style defense, and the relative unattractiveness of our team wives."

Thus ended a truly momentous day in the annals of fake baseball.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our Special Report, when fake baseball historian Thaddeus T. Copperpot traces the storied history of the Vinnies Pizzeria franchise and discusses the iconic nature of its beloved and suddenly replaced classic logo:

Hit Put Out on Madson

Vinnies Pizzeria general manager Josh Aiello met last night at 3am to "discuss a little business" with associates of the DeCicco crime syndicate, according to assistant GM Jim Marchese. During Marchese's weekly Friday morning press conference, the AGM deflected most questions concerning the meeting's specific details, but allowed for the fact that it took place somewhere on Staten Island. Moles in the DeCicco Family, however, confirmed that Aiello met with Jimmy Fruitcake, Frank Knuckles, and Carmine the Slouch, and that the conversation involved a certain relief pitcher, as well as Aiello's outstanding vig.

When approached for comment, Aiello refused to talk with reporters, and was walking with a distinct limp. However, wiretaps obtained by Fake Baseball Team researchers corroborate the placing of a hit on reliever Ryan Madson, the man responsible for blowing Vinnies Pizzeria phenom Cole Hamels' first two starts. Hamels, long touted as the second coming of Curt Schilling, finally made his first fake start last week, only to have Madson come in and surrender the lead. In a cruel twist of fate, the scenario repeated itself yesterday, as Hamels once again left the game only to have Madson squander his efforts.

"One time, ok, maybe it's a fluke. But twice...this certainly raises eyebrows," explained Marchese, "I don't want to talk out of turn, but it seems Madson may have flipped." As for the pitcher, Madson did not speak to the press following his latest meltdown, but arrived at the ballpark early this morning to discover a dead fish wrapped in a baseball mitt waiting in his locker. "I dunno nuthin' about that," croaked clubhouse attendant Mike Tully when questioned.

Though Madsen's current whereabouts are unknown, Vinnies Pizzeria sources believe he has disappeared into the fake baseball protection program, otherwise known as the HJ Heinz lineup. His agent, Kyle Bernstein, claims to have not spoken with the pitcher since last night, but downplays rumors of a hit. "Isn't Aiello only half-Italian? I mean, come on."

Wednesday Chat with Hank Blalock

This week, Dave Gilmartin catches up with new Premature Grays third baseman Hank Blalock.



FBT: Hank, thanks for taking the time to talk with us. I know it's been a hectic week.

HB: My pleasure, Dave. Yeah, it's been a little crazy.

FBT: For anyone who's been living under a rock, you were traded from Vinnies Pizzeria for starting pitcher Barry Zito. What, is it 2002 again?

HB: [laughing] I know, Dave, it was quite a shock. I could see being traded for a Roy Oswalt or a Pedro Martinez...but Barry Zito? When I heard the news, I thought [Vinnies Pizzeria GM] Josh was pulling my leg, or playing some kind of Purim prank on me or something. But I guess that's what happens when you forget to draft pitching.

FBT: Is it Purim season already?

HB: I have no idea what I'm talking about.

FBT: Oh, it's a lovely tradition celebrating the Jewish people's salvation from the evil forces of Persia.

HB: Huh.

[awkward silence]

FBT: All right, Hank. Let's crunch some numbers: 8 HRs, 33 RBIs, .345 BA, and a .414 OBP...not a bad couple of weeks.

HB: Yeah, I've been swinging a hot bat lately.

FBT: Last night, you went 3 for 4, with a Grand Slam thrown in for good measure. In a related story, Josh Aiello got ten minutes of sleep.

HB: I'm seeing the ball real well right now.

FBT: You seem to have made a seamless transition to your new surroundings.

HB: Well, it's tough going from a bad team to an even worse one --

FBT: -- much worse.

HB: Right, much worse. But we've got a young group of guys here, and we've got a chance to do something special if all the pieces fall into place.

FBT: Vinnies Pizzeria is known to operate under a very hands-on managerial philosophy, while The Premature Grays are a loose knit, almost rudderless bunch. It's almost as if Grays GM Chris Naughton has a life outside of fake baseball...have you felt the effects of this during your short tenure with the Grays?

HB: Oh, certainly. When you play for Vinnies Pizzeria, you're part of a long winning tradition and are held to a certain standard. It wasn't unusual for the owner to call at 4am, or for the general manager to trail my wife through a grocery store, keeping tabs on my diet. It can get inside your head if you let it, but that's why they're the defending champions.

FBT: And the Grays?

HB: It's night and day. As far as I can tell, management checks the lineup once in a while, but is otherwise off feeding a baby or something...I really have no idea.

FBT: One last question, Hank: How hard has it been making the transition from New York City, to Hoboken, NJ to play for the Grays?

HB: Hoboken's great, Dave. After four days of wandering around aimlessly, I finally found a place to get pizza, and rumor has it an ATM machine actually exists somewhere within the city limits. Once I figure that out, I should be all set. Except for the Guidos, obviously.

FBT: Hey, at least it's not Washington, DC, right?

HB: Exactly.

Aiello To Suit Up

Reports coming out of New York indicate that Vinnies Pizzeria general manager Josh Aiello has made the unorthodox decision to start pitching for his fake baseball squad. If so, he will become the first fake player-manager since Connecticut landscaper Jon Clark played 3 games at catcher for The Green Thumbs in 1989. Though Aiello declined invitations to speak with the press, team sources indicate that the move comes as a direct response to Vinnies Pizzeria having plummeted from 97 to 76 points in the span of three days. "That's pretty tough to do," confirms assistant GM Mike Miller, "for a team to take that kind of a dive, it needs to not be firing on all cylinders. Our pitching, our hitting, our fielding, even our team plane...nothing's working. How much worse can Josh be?"

How much worse indeed. With the team stumbling around the diamond like a Dawn of the Dead open casting call, a 31 year old, out of shape starting pitcher should be just what the doctor ordered. Opposing scouts have yet to get a good long look at Aiello, but his repertoire is thought to consist of a fastball that tops out around 27 miles per hour, with some sort of underhanded, softball-style floater mixed in to fool batters. Aiello recently petitioned the league to shorten the distance between the pitcher's mound and home plate from the customary 60' 6" to a more convenient 30', but the request was denied.

When not pitching, Aiello will split time between first base, left field, the concession area, and, most likely, the disabled list.

To make room on the roster, starting pitcher Tyler Bucholz was optioned to the Super Shop-Rite in Manahawkin, NJ, where he plans to begin a new career stocking produce.

Greg Maddux Put Down

After suffering a terrible breakdown on the mound last night to the tune of 7 earned runs over 3.2 innings (that’s a 17.18 ERA if you’re counting), Vinnies Pizzeria starting pitcher Greg Maddux was put down by team trainers, who called the decision tough but necessary. Maddux, perhaps the premiere right handed pitcher of his generation, started the year strong, sprinting out of the gate to his first career 5-0 start before coming up lame over the past month. The Fake Baseball Players Association opposed the move, with union head Jim Marchese urging team doctors to simply patch Maddux’s wounds and let the great champion out to pasture. “We believe a pitcher of Greg Maddux’s majesty deserves to live out the remainder of his days playing golf, attending card shows, and screwing the occasional groupie,” Marchese said in a written statement. “He’s more than earned that.”

Vinnies Pizzeria head trainer Nehal Aiello disagreed, however, calling the decision to put Maddux down “the most humane and empathetic option, both for the pitcher, his family, and most importantly the tortured fans of the Vinnies Pizzeria fake baseball club. Let’s remember Greg the way he was, not as the gimpy, unreliable catastrophe he has become.” As is befitting one of the great kings of his sport, Maddux will be stuffed, mounted and placed on permanent display in the Legends Wing of the Fake Baseball Hall of Fame, located in Secaucus, NJ.

West Coast Swing

Metallic Pea General Manager Patrick O'Grady will be making an unexpected West Coast trip to address issues with his ball team. Although none of his players are facing West Coast opponents, O'Grady thought the Santa Ana winds might help clear his mind and help him focus on the devastating problems that plague his team.

"The plan is to get out to the desert for a few days, and commune with my spirit guide, Billy Martin," O'Grady said. "Maybe the great '1' will give me some insight to fixing my awful, awful team."

This is the latest plan in an effort to revive the Metallic Pea franchise. Hopefully it will be more effective than last week's debacle. A faith healer was arrested for breaking into the Yankees clubhouse and "laying hands" on the bats of Hideki Matsui and Alex Rodriguez. O'Grady has adamantly denied all ties to the healer.

Mazel Tov!

With his team floundering in the standings, Vinnies Pizzeria General Manager Josh Aiello decided to start thinking old school. As in: Old Testament. "I took a long hard look at the team," Aiello explained, "and realized that what we really needed, besides pitchers who can throw a strike once in a while, was a stronger Jewish presence." Aiello, himself Jewish, describes the moment of inspiration as if coming from a burning bush or similar metaphoric representation of the Lord God. "I'm not a particularly religious man," added Aiello while munching on an Italian hoagie during the fourth night of Passover, "but in our darkest hours we tend to look inward. And if you've seen the standings recently, you know the hour was indeed dark."

Newly inspired and commited to his faith, Aiello began researching free agents in a manner strictly at odds with his usual sabermetric leanings. "Normally, I consider myself a numbers man. I identify the team's needs, then sort through the available players according to strict mathematical criteria. This time, I was only interested in foreskin." As even the most casual fake baseball fan knows, Hebraic talent is usually confined to the field of player representation, as opposed to actual field play. However, in an extraordinary moment of kismet, Aiello's pilgrimage to the free agent pool uncovered outfielder/nice Jewish boy Shawn Green [shown above entering synagogue for Rosh Hashonah services], who had been wandering the waiver wire for 40 days and 40 nights before being delivered to the Vinnies Pizzeria outfield.

Green, who described his new opportunity as "a mitzvah," responded immediately, hitting .481 with a .533 on base percentage, 1 home run, 2 stolen bases, 6 runs scored, and only 1 strikeout in his first week with the team. In his very first at bat after making the exodus from AAA Reno, Green showed some real chutzpah, shmearing a line drive to the left field gap for a double. As is his custom, the player immediately took a moment to kiss his Star of David pendant before raising two fingers to the heavens and mouthing "Praise Adonai." "He's a real mench!" exclaimed Aiello from the owner's box, which had been converted to kosher for the occasion. Since being Chosen to play outfield for the defending champs, Green has blossomed into such a feared slugger that opposing pitchers have been observed shvitzing on the mound whenever he comes to the plate.

After the first game, in between gulps of Manishevitz, the GM and his new star player entertained the press corps with a spirited rendition of Havah Negilah while relief pitcher and noted anti-Semite Bobby Jenks watched suspiciously from across the clubhouse. "It might be a challenge, getting the guys to play together," admitted manager Skip Aiello, "but hopefully this will prove to be an opportunity to grow, and an opportunity to win." As if on cue, Green immediately loaned shortstop Jose Reyes cab fare home, shattering the younger player's belief that Jews were tight-fisted when it comes to money. Of course, Green promised to collect the debt with "a pound of flesh" if necessary, but nobody said this process was going to be easy.

As Vinnnies Pizzeria continues its steady climb up the standings, Aiello has entered into negotiations to aquire catcher Mike Lieberthal, along with "any other players who might possibly be Jewish."

Performance Bonuses Pay Immediate Dividends

Puzzled by his team's lackluster play over the past month, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello convened an emergency meeting of his brain trust in Tampa last weekend, with the objective being to right what had become a rapidly sinking ship. Details of the meeting remained sketchy until VP Assistant GM Mike Miller's Tuesday afternoon podcast, when it was revealed that the team had implemented a complex system of bonus gifts intended to excite and motivate its players. "Apparently, being paid obscene amounts of money to stand around on a baseball field for a few hours a day isn't motivation enough to today's players," explained Miller, "so we had to get creative."

Informed of the new bonuses before last night's game, the players responded immediately, to the tune of gaining an incredible 9 points in the standings. "The guys really came out to play last night," continued Miller, "it was clear, during our team meeting, that Shawn Green in particular was really fired up by the prospect of winning a weekend for two in Atlantic City, NJ, which will be awarded to the player with the team's highest batting average." Fired up, indeed, as the outfielder went 4 for 4, with a home run, stolen base, and two runs scored. "I've always wanted to spend two days in New Jersey," exclaimed Green after the game, while dousing himself in champagne.

Not to be outdone, utility man Travis Hafner went 2 for 3, smacking a home run and driving in 4, which puts him in a tie with DH Jim Thome for team RBI leader, with 24 each. "I know Big Jim has his eye on those steak knives," said Hafner, referring to the bonus prize for most RBIs, "but I intend to take them home with me."

Unfortunately, the bonus scheme was not a complete success, as not even a free 6-month subscription to Entertainment Weekly was enough to motive Jose Reyes to actually get on base. "I guess Jose just doesn't want those magazines," huffed bench coach Carlos Aiello as the shortstop sulked his way back to the dugout for the 4th time in a row.

Around the League

Fake Baseball Team analyst Barry Madrid breaks down the first month of the season.


Who would have thought, going into the 2006 fake baseball season, that the Middlesex Teabaggers were anything more than a funny name? Even with three front-of-the-rotation starters currently on the DL, the Teabaggers have made a mockery of the rest of the league. In fact, GM Dave Sadell is so confident in his squad that he didn't even bother attempting to replace injured 2B Brian Roberts. "With the possible exception of the Huxtables, who are at least making the season somewhat interesting, I can't believe how atrocious the other teams are," said Sadell before lighting up a cigar with a $500 bill. "It's almost like they're trying to lose." The Teabaggers are so potent that they are considered a lock to win their first ever world championship once their pitchers come off the DL. "Dave is usually content to finish in the middle of the pack," noted Michael Long GM Jim Bremner, "I don't know what's gotten into him this year."

At the other end of the spectrum, HJ Heinz, The Premature Greys, and Metallic Pea spent most of the first month vying for last place. While all are very, very bad fake baseball teams, HJ Heinz holds the distinction of going a full month without recording a Save, believed to be the first time this has happened in the computerized fake baseball era. Not content to rest on his laurels, HJ Heinz GM Matt Naughton has vowed not to hit another homerun before the All Star break.

In what counts as intrigue at the bottom of the standings, this weekend's blockbuster trade between HJ Heinz and The Premature Greys raised eyebrows when acting league commisioner Chris Naughton (also GM of the Greys) passed off possibly injured OF Gary Sheffield and 2B Marcus Giles, who leads the league in beady eyeballs and little else, for the relatively solid combo of OF Johnny Damon and SP Barry Zito. "I find it interesting that the commissioner of our league has the ability and the audacity to pull off such a move. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got wild game to hunt," huffed Metallic Pea owner Horatio Allensworth O'Grady when reached for commment. Attempting to stifle criticism, Naughton reiterated that his duties as commissioner are in no way related to or affected by his connection to the Greys. "The Premature Greys fake baseball club is owned and operated by the Naughton Tribune Company, a family trust in which I hold no managerial position. This is all a part of public record," said Naughton in response to criticism. Still, it's no secret that HJ Heinz was awarded the 2008 Fake Baseball All-Star Game on the eve of the big trade.

It's been a month of mediocrity for the defending champion Vinnies Pizzeria, whose OF is in such disarray that Jason Repko currently starts alongside Shawn Green. "My mom really likes the fact that Green doesn't play on Yom Kipper," says GM Josh Aiello, "but he can eat a ham sandwich in Temple for all I care if he'd just start hitting the ball." Though it's too early to count VP out of the race, Aiello might need to content himself with having made an outrageous 21 roster moves in the first month, a minor point of pride made necessary by his horrible performance on draft day. "When I look at the Middlesex Teabaggers lineup, it's like reading a Dear John letter," noted the GM in between sniffles.

Of course, anything can still happen with 5 months remaining in the fake baseball season...

Crap Job To Blame For Pitching Woes

[Editor's Note: This post, originally scheduled to appear two days ago, was delayed by unbelievable laziness.]

In what's being called the Sophie's Choice of fantasy baseball, Vinnies Pizzeria manager Josh Aiello elected to send rookie pitcher Brian Bannister to the mound in San Francisco for the sole purpose of alleviating several hours of workplace drudgery. Despite serious reservations concerning the youngster's ability to face a semi-hot hitting team on the road, the game's 3:00pm EST start time was simply too much for Aiello to resist, as it represented his best chance of slacking off for the remainder of the afternoon. "It was either monitor Bannister's performance online or spend another three hours writing junkmail for Cablevision," the manager said, before adding "Obviously, that's really not much of a choice at all."

Five innings later, the manager's hubris was rewarded with 3 earned runs, 7 hits, 3 walks, and the sight of his pitcher hobbling off the diamond with what appeared, at the time, to be a serious hamstring injury. Never one to coddle his players, General Manager Aiello immediately cut Bannister from the team before the game had even ended. He was replaced on the roster by fellow crapshoot fake baseball pitcher Justin Verlander. Afterwards, the GM was quoted as saying, "I wish Brian the best of luck, but that performance was worse than working."

The day, however, was not a complete loss, as the the sight of Barry Bonds' 9th inning pinch hit homerun off detestable alpaca farmer/closer Billy Wagner inspired squeals of jubilation from the normally morose Aiello. "It's like Hannukah come early!" the GM exclaimed while excitedly embracing startled cubemates.

Wednesday Chat with Jon Lieber

This week, Dave Gilmartin catches up with Vinnies Pizzeria starting pitcher Jon Lieber to discuss the finer points of going winless for an entire month.

FBT: Jon, it's been said that the fake baseball season is a marathon, not a sprint. With that in mind, it seems you're stumbling deliriously along the course, covered in your own vomit, suffering from severe dehydration, being lapped by runners on crutches, with the finish line nowhere in sight. Isn't it time to just pass out and save everyone the trouble?

JL: Well, it's been a tough start to the season, no doubt about that. The last time I went this long without a win was when I missed 2 seasons recovering from Tommy John surgery.

FBT: You're currently surrendering 8 earned runs per game.

JL: Yes.

FBT: I don't even have a question...just wanted to hear what it sounded like to say "8 earned runs per game" out loud. As an interviewer, I don't often get that opportunity.

JL: Well, those numbers can be deceiving.

FBT: How so?

JL: They don't even take into account runs that almost scored, but didn't through no fault of my own. Let's say the bases are loaded with one out, and I toss my patented Floating Duck pitch up over the plate only to have [Vinnie's Pizzeria shortstop] Jose Reyes make an unbelievable play in the hole that results in a double play. That right there could have easily been 3 more runs had the breaks gone the other way.

FBT: You and [VP "ace"] Andy Pettite have combined for 7 losses in 3 and a half weeks. Who's been more disappointing?

JL: Well, Andy does have 1 win, so I'd have to say me.

FBT: No argument here. In fact, you've been so bad over the past month that rookie pitcher Brian Bannister is now considered a more reliable option. How have you accepted your new diminished role on the team?

JL: I've been on the bench for my last two starts, and Skip tells me he has no plans to put me in the lineup against Colorado tomorrow...it's tough, but I'm happy to do anything to help the team, even if it means never playing.

FBT: Vinnies Pizzeria owner Stanforth H. Aiello, III was recently quoted as saying, "Jon Lieber couldn't find the strike zone if a Sherpa was holding his hand." With that sort of pressure coming from above, there's speculation that if your numbers don't improve, management plans to stick you in the Phillie Phanatic suit by the trade deadline.

JL: Well, the Phanatic is a great entertainer. He brings a lot to the table and is always a much better treat than actually watching the team play. I would consider it an honor to continue the long tradition of chicanery that the Phanatic is known for, and have even been brushing up on my ATV-riding skills in the event that the opportunity presents itself.

FBT: Jon Lieber, thank you for taking the time to chat with us. And here's hoping you push your ERA over the fabled 10 runs per game barrier.

JL: Thank you, Dave. And that would be quite an accomplishment.

Weather Report

With clouds and rain blanketing the northeast, league commisioner Chris Naughton reports that tonight's games may be in jeopardy, as most managers are too depressed to get out of bed, much less set their rosters. "I just got off the phone with Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello," said Naughton during his weekly press conference, "and am sorry to relate the news that he hasn't been this bummed out since Burger King discontinued the Western Whopper." The dreary weather, coupled with the fact that it's once again Monday morning, might result in the first fake baseball work stoppage since 2002, when a regional blackout rendered managers more helpless than Jon Lieber on a pitcher's mound. Reached for comment, Metallic Pea GM Patrick O'Grady could only mutter, "I can not believe it's only 10:59."

Internet Connection Threatens Fantasy Campaign

In a stunning turn of events, Vinnies Pizzeria General Manager Josh Aiello has agree to spend the next 4 days in Washington, DC. In addition to the area's shocking lack of dining and cultural options, rumor has it that the GM will have only a dialup internet connection at his disposal, effectively rendering such modern conveniences as StatTracker virtually unuseable, to say nothing of his ability to respond to and/or propose trades. The news has sent Aiello's league into a frenzied tizzy of speculation and innuendo, as even the most beleagured GMs see an opening that has eluded them since draft day. "This will do more to cripple Vinnies Pizzeria than Chase Utley's batting average," gushed Premature Greys' GM Chris Naughton, barely able to conceal a giggle. Bill Griffith, of the perennial doormat Boro Boys, could only respond to the news after collapsing onto a cushioned divan and being adminstered smelling salts and a shot of whisky, and even then could only mutter an astonished, "my heavens."

While not quite on par with, say, spending a week on the lunar surface, the barren wasteland known as Washington, DC, has long been considered a fake baseball no man's land, despite the recent relocation of a Canadian Yahoo free public league to the area. It is unknown precisely how Aiello plans to fill the time normally spent obsessing over his fantasy team, though one hypothesis has him doing fifteen to twenty loads of laundry, owing to the fact that the savages still smoke in bars down there.

Nady Taunts Former Team

Though Xavier Nady's 1 for 3 performance last night might not land him on a Wheaties box, it was more than enough for the new HJ Heinz outfielder to pour salt in the already open wounds of his former team, Vinnies Pizzeria. Though hitting .396 on the season, with as many home runs as strikeouts (4), Nady was unceremoniously dumped for the second time last week in favor of someone named Ryan Langerhans. When reached for comment, Vinnies Pizzeria GM Josh Aiello would only say, "There's no way he hits .400 this year," before sulking off into his office for an emotional night of soul and waiver wire searching.

Aiello's quick trigger finger is well known in fake baseball circles, dating from the time he cut Scott Rolen after the third baseman failed to run out a ground ball to Aiello's liking, an incident recalled in legendary tones by opposing GMs. Nady, however, represents the first time in fake baseball history that an organization has cut a player hitting .400 twice in the span of 8 days. League sources indicate that problems may stem from an off-the-field situation, namely the outfielder's reluctance to participate in an unbelievably cheesy "X-Man"-themed promotional event dreamed up by the Vinnies Pizzeria marketing department. Whatever the cause of the rift, Nady was quoted as saying, "It is my mission for the 2006 fake baseball campaign to cause Vinnies Pizzeria management as much stress, chest pain, and restless nights as is humanly possible."

Monday Chat with Carl Crawford

In the first installment of our new chat series, Fake Baseball Team beat writer Dave Gilmartin sits down with Vinnies Pizzeria outfielder Carl Crawford.

FBT: Carl, what do the following players have in common: Manny Ramirez, Johan Santana, Derek Lee, and Jason Bay?

CC: Well, they're all great fake baseball players.

FBT: They were also selected after you in this year's draft. What surprised you more: your early selection, or Uncle Junior shooting Tony on the Sopranos?

CC: Tony getting shot was quite a shock, but I feel I can play with anyone as long as I go out there and play my game as I know I can play it. That said, being drafted ahead of those players was quite an honor.

FBT: Has the shock contributed to your befuddlement at the plate?

CC: It may have. I'm still getting comfortable up there. It's early, and I've gotta get the kinks out. Expectations are high, which adds some pressure. I just gotta take it one game at a time.

FBT: Speaking of one game, on Friday you managed to go 0 for 4 against the Kansas City Royals. Walk us through that.

CC: I was pressing. The Royals might not have many pitchers who actually belong in the major leagues, but you still gotta go out there and hit the ball. I worked the count a few times, was seeing the ball well, and took my hacks. Unfortunately, I just couldn't hit it where they ain't.

FBT: Are there any more cliches you'd like to get in there?

CC: Well, I was going to say that it's a team game, and we've all got to play together.

FBT: Speaking of which, Travis Hafner and Jim Thome have managed to pick up most of your slack in the early goings. In fact, their performances have done a great deal to obscure the fact that you're hitting .269 with 0 home runs. Have you bought either of them a fruit basket or gold watch yet?

CC: I'm only going to answer baseball questions.

FBT: Maybe flowers, even. Okay, here's a baseball question: Given the fact that Bronson Arroyo has driven two balls over the fence already, is it safe to assume that a monkey would have hit a homerun by this point in the season? Assuming, of course, that the monkey is getting regular at bats?

CC: Well, it would of course depend on the monkey's approach to the game. Carl Crawford isn't just going up there hacking. Carl Crawford takes the situation into account. Sometimes Carl needs to hit a single. Other times Carl needs to steal a base. That's just Carl being Carl.

FBT: Still, your manager was recently quoted as saying, "I look around the league, and can't believe the guys who are hitting better than Carl Crawford. I'm no doctor, but it's like he's taking some sort of steroid antidote or something. Jesus Christ, our catcher [Jason Varitek] is swiping bases at the same rate, and he's got the knees of a 300 year old man." That must hurt.

CC: It's all motivation for me. Jason's a great player. I know what I can do out there, and I just gotta make it happen. Sure, it was ludicrous to select me with the 6th pick in the draft. Only an absolute moron would do that. But now I gotta play up to the pressure.

FBT: Well, Carl Crawford, that about wraps things up. Thank you for your time.

CC: Thank you.


Next week: Dave chats with John Lieber about getting rocked every time you step on a pitcher's mound.

Greatest Inventions of All Time

1. Air conditioning
2. The wheel
3. The internet
4. Ice coffee
5. Airplanes
6. The zipper
7. Netflix
8. Yahoo Sports Fantasy Baseball Stat Tracker
9. iPods
10. The Swiffer

Trade Winds Blowing

League sources, speaking on the condition of anonymity, indicate that a blockbuster trade may be in the works. Teams and precise details remain hazy, though rumor has it a full half of The Premature Grey's starting lineup might be soon traded to a contendor for a bag of baseballs and 3 Jersey Mike's Italian hoagies. Most General Managers are keeping mum on the rumors, though Boro Boys GM Bill Griffith went on record, saying "Three hoagies might be a bit steep for those players."

Wilkerson Cut

In a surprising move, OF Brad Wilkerson was cut yesterday from Vinnies Pizzeria after leading the known universe in strikeouts. The leadoff hitter, considered to be a key component of the new look VP offense, faltered early and often in his comical attempts to lay wood on ball. After being informed of the team's decision, Wilkerson took his frustrations out on the locker room. In addition to tossing several water bottles across the room, he picked up a bat and ironically managed to connect with several lockers, prompting teammate Carlos Lee to quip, "It's a good thing those lockers didn't throw him a changeup." General Manager Aiello, who broke the news to Wilkerson, had this to say: "Brad's a good kid. I'm sure he'll catch on somewhere, but I can get a monkey to strike out 4 times a game." As if on cue, this statement was followed by the sight of replacement OF Jason Michaels settling in to his new locker.

Morneau

Was there any doubt he'd start hitting the cover off the ball as soon as I benched him? Unbelievable. Looks like the team meeting was a success, anyway.

My Team Is Atrocious

The only things causing me more angst than my abysmal fantasy team right now are a) the equally embarrassing play of the Philadelphia Phillies (Charlie Manuel should be in a nursing home, not a major league dugout) and b) the fact that I've got 9 days to read Crime and Punishment for a book club that sounded like a great idea at the time (I was drunk).

As for Vinnies Pizzeria, I've got a closed-door meeting scheduled for 1:30 this afternoon. No media. No entourages. No hip hop. Just my staff and the players. It's not gonna be pretty, but neither has our performance on the diamond, if you can even call it a performance. I plan to stress the fundamentals. Yes, Pedro Martinez is a good pitcher, but you don't need to strike out 3 times in one game against him. That's overkill. At least do me a favor and ground out or something.

The Zim Strikes Again

I have seen some beautiful things in my life: the cliffs of Dover, Pacific sunsets, Lindsay Lohan's pre-weight loss Vanity Fair bikini spread, the new Starbucks coffee machine at work...but nothing compared to the gorgeous spectacle of Ryan Zimmerman taking Billy Wagner deep in the 9th inning at Shea last night. As the ball cleared the leftfield fence, it was like gazing upon the face of God itself. I was so overcome with emotion that I daresay my delighted squeals and leaps from the couch rivaled the noise produced by the small demon child who lives in the apartment next door to mine (and that's saying something). It was glorious, just glorious.

Getting a spot start over the difficult-to-spell Justin Morneau, the young 3B from DC made the most of his opportunity, simultaneously taking one giant leap toward permanent Vinnies Pizzeria starter status and bringing us all one step closer to the fabled Billy Wagner career-ending exploded elbow of '06.

Said Vinnies Pizzeria manager Josh Aiello: "I really like this kid."

(Of course, Tom Gordon was busy blowing a game back in Philly, but that's another story. Let me just enjoy this...)

Ryan 'The Zim' Zimmerman

While I was obviously pleased with starting 3B Hank Blalock going 2/4 with a homerun, it was great to get backup Ryan Zimmerman a few at bats as well. The preseason favorite for Vinnies Pizzeria Rookie of the Year honors went 2/3 and showed some nice hustle and great enthusiasm for the game. I especially like his positive effect on the clubhouse and look forward to getting him into the lineup full time as soon as Justin Morneau breaks his leg falling down a flight of stairs or something.

Opening Day

With visions of last night's Jim Thome moonshot dancing in my head, Opening Day had me bouncing off the walls of my cubicle like my mom at a Shop-Rite Can Can sale. Coupled with the facts that a) today was the first day of my boss's 2 week vacation and b) I'd be taking off early to watch baseball, this was shaping up to be quite a day. Of course, I spent the first couple of hours slacking off and using the high-tech color printers for personal projects, then at 1:00 fired up StatTracker for the first time this season, which was sort of like taking the convertible out for its first spring ride (or so I'd imagine). Not even the NY Mets could ruin my mood, as I avidly "watched" the game online and began my 2006 Billy Wagner's Elbow Explodes watch. As for the fantasy implications of this game, let's just say that of course Jose Reyes was practically the only guy in the stadium to go hitless. Awesome. I'm glad I burned my third pick on this joker.

Anyway...real baseball conspired to ruin my first day of fantasy heaven (though my plummeting like 30 points didn't help either): I dashed out of work at 2:30, hightailed it to the Barfly, my out-of-town baseball watching bar of choice, settled in with the first of what I'd hoped would be many Miller Lites, and promptly discovered that the one single MLB game not available via satellite was Phils/Cards. Unfuckingbelievable. I slapped some money on the bar and stomped home, whereupon I wasted little time posting my displeasure on the Phillies message board (all the while trying to ignore the fact that the Phils, and my starter, John Lieber, were down about 3 billion runs in the 5th inning). Cut to 2 hours later and I'm still on the boards, fighting it out with the Philly Phaithful who have never left Philly and don't understand that every other team in the league has moved beyond the day of strictly regional, non-satellite broadcasting. It's like rooting for a minor league team. One idiot actually had the audacity to suggest I move to Philadelphia if I want to see the games. Hey, I love baseball and live for the Phils, but let's not get hysterical. I like Vietnamese food, too, but don't have any plans to move to Saigon. Of course, you can get Vietnamese in NYC, unlike Phillies games.

This ordeal got me so worked up I actually RETURNED TO WORK and finished up the day. Then I went home and drank Jack and Diet Coke all night.

My Bold Prediction

Okay, I haven't conducted any scientific research or consulted Peter Gammons or anything, but after a cursory look at our lineups, my prediction for this year's champion (and it pains me to say this) is:

THE BORO BOYS

The Draft

As far as I know, none of my friends have ever slept with any of my girlfriends. I suspect that such a thing would feel terrible, like the world had caved in, like there was no future, no up or down, no reason to continue on with my miserable existence. I imagine that little could console me, that I'd lie on my couch for upwards of three months, with little going for me besides Cosby reruns, Chinese takeout, cheap six packs of Yeungling, and weepy late night phone calls to my mother. In time, I might get better, though be unable to refer to this period of mourning as anything other than "The Dark Place."

This is sort of how I felt when Bill drafted David Ortiz with the 4th pick. My boy! The consensus MVP of last season's champion Vinnie's Pizzeria, the one man capable of making me hate Boston a little less. As Marty McFly might say, "David Ortiz is my density." The 4th pick!!! I thought I had him sewn up at number 6, thought Bill could be counted upon to blow his 1st pick on his own beloved, Chone Figgins. I reeled, blinking at the screen, realizing I had no Plan B. I was on the board. Not since the first time I had sex did 90 seconds fly by so quickly. I found myself confusedly, deliriously, frantically selecting Carl Crawford, then thinking to myself, "Carl Crawford??? Who's that?" Alas, there are no do-overs in fantasy baseball. And unfortunately, no time machines, either. By the way, I crammed for this draft like it was the goddamn bar exam.

The next morning I awoke to two things: a horrible looking fantasy lineup, and an email from Jim consisting of a single succinct sentence: "That's a pretty sweet OBP you've got there." Oh, the humanity. Of course, I did take some consolation from the fact that Jim has apparently named his team after his favorite male porn star (Michael Long), but this only made me feel slightly better.

This Year

Here's the situation: Yahoo Private League. 11 Teams. Rotisseree. Somewhat unorthodox 7x6 format. Live draft. Once again, I'm Vinnie's Pizzeria, the name of my little league squad, on which I was allowed to plod around the first base bag in the late innings when not banished to the hinterlands known as left field.

The girlfriend is leery.

As usual, I consider the teams of close friends to be my real rivals. Of course, this is completely nonsensical (but then again so is fantasy baseball). Thus, in my fantasy addled brain the teams to beat are The Boro Boys, Metallic Pea, and The Premature Greys. My mission for the next 7 months is to bury them in the fantasy dust, to mix 6 or 7 metaphors.

Last Year

I am the champion. Nobody pays up. The girlfriend somehow manages not to dump me as thanks for spending more time with my fantasy team than with her.